Disenchanted dream

I had a dream that you were hiding behind my father’s face.
A steady stream of disappointment in spite of my striving,
Issuing from that angry mouth.

So I ran for the trees.
Barefoot, tearful but free.
My cream sequinned gown catching on the low hanging branches,
The chill creeping into my bones
and yet,
I would not look back.

A little girl came running after,
Sent to bring me home,
Or suffer the guilt of her abandon.
Yet I ushered her away,
And sat down to watch the sunrise
Of a new day.

© PickledSparklyMoosePrincess – author

Grace and the barely concealed teeth of stasis

Visits home to Mum’s house always feel a bit strange. Especially these days with Gran gone and two houses in disarray and the dog flitting between affection and savagery. No, this is certainly no place for the feeble or unrelated right now.

It’s alright for me as I listen to the national in my backwards facing train seat, watching the drizzly fenland shrink into nothing in the distance but someone had to stay here and live inside the cocoons of weirdness that have been spun here. I’m sad to leave but I’m glad to be able to breath again.

Two dilapidated museums, strung with bells and wind-chimes, crosses and constant reminders of what came before. Dust making unfounded claims on the remnants of another life, unperturbed by months of indecision and tentative rearrangements.

There is a kind of organic density in the darkness here that lighbulbs simply cannot penetrate. Leaving space in the shadows for doubts to multiply and lending every motion to slurring like amateur stopped-motion.

The radio shouts out emphatically about the grace of god like this god could fix things, or make it OK that people suffer so. All I can see is a surface of bright shiny foil covering whatever is really underneath, and can you please tell me why must they keep on focusing on the polishing the shine and not nourishing the foundations of the tangible. I don’t somehow think that jesus is coming to save her from this mess but maybe having something paper-thin and shiny feels like the armour that she needs to wear.

It seems unfair to be leaving, to leave someone behind in this treacle that they have thickened even by themselves – to just walk away from a household in such need of care and hope and vitality.

I’ll be back soon, and I’m bringing my armour to help slay these tenuous webs of guilt and uncertainty. No-one should have to breathe such toxins in every day.

“I’m under the gun again,
I know I was a 45 percenter then”

~the national, I need my girl

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Operation tv exchange: superreal pictures and cringing

Finally after three years of consideration, we  decided it was time to replace the old daewoo bedroom tv…it’s a huge-ass crt weighing in at 40 kilos. Aside from its monumental bulk, it also makes a whining noise when on standby (which is all night) and the screen occasionally goes a bit mental and it starts sqealing. I’m not really one for loving those electrical goods shops, so the first acceptable tv and a sharp exit were my primary aims. Sadly my partner has more discerning taste (higher expectations than just, um a screen that decodes tv channels into a passable picture without the above annoyances) so a few possibles were identified, and one chosen….no we are not paying an extra £200 for 1600hz…who even needs that? So much money spendage later we got our new 42″ panasonic beastie wrangled into the living room. But isn’t 42″ a bit massive for a small living room? Actually because the border is thin and silver, it looks less imposing than the 36″ Sony that was there before. Honest. Sony into the bedroom, then hmm. What to do with the old one? It still works so it’s a waste to take it to the tip, plus….if we sell it or give away then someone else gets to jar their back taking down the stairs. Unto my local gumtree and freecycle wenteth I.
Ask a fiver for something and none wants to know, offer it for free and everyone wants it!!
Having these kind of adverts is a bizarre experience, you wait for someone to respond, reply immediately and then they say nothing….have they changed their mind? Do you offer it to someone else? Eventually you offer it to person 2…who’s usually changed their mind, you pop out of the house for 20 mins and come back to 5 emails from person one irately asking for urgent replies!! (I find it a tad offensive to get a message saying only ‘need address’) so eventually you have to give them your address and phone number but are they actually going to turn up? Who knows! On this occasion I got a call from what sounded like an elderly couple. Now, as tactfully as I could, I questioned the carrying of the tv down the stairs, and the guy kind of sniggered and said it would be ok. Upon arrival, it is indeed a 55-60ish year old couple and their grandkid. Now. I have already told them I’m not carrying it down the stairs but I felt like such a terrible person, going back into the flat and leaving them to it….5 mins later I was wracked with thoughts than oneor other could have hurt their back, or had a heart attack, or slipped, or droppedthe TV so i snuck out into the stairwell to listen
Thankfully they’d made it down stairs and we’re getting the car…I couldn’t leave the window until I knew they had safely driven off but obviously couldn’t let them see me. Being such a vicarious coward, I hid in the corner and was stick there until they drive off! Huzzah! Operation complete! I hope they are happy with their free tv with remote control and batteries 😉

So this newfangled jobbie.. The picture is very good.
A little too good perhaps?
Again (last time in Slovenia) I experience filming that looks hyper-real, overly sharp, a bit too real….so that films etc look to me like they are shot like British soaps…but…they aren’t it just looks too Argh! It’s more detailed in distant items than I can see in real life…so it’s bizarre.
Don’t get me started on the 3D…

The queen of procrastination no longer?

I am exceptionally skilled at procrastination. I excel at locating a bucket of sand in which to dunk my head. My task avoidance record is in the world-rankings. I have, for example, an exemplary record when it comes to prioritising reading a novel over doing the washing up. I could happily research for hours about folklore or horsecare and yet manage not to pay the gas bill. I often consider sleep a priority over all else (work included) and have become unreliable and overwhelmed by the ever-growing list of undone difficult, urgent or important tasks abounding while I am staring into the ether postulating about reflection or dreams (see below)…and so I to.d myself over 30 but seemingly incapable of sending birthday cards, finishing work projects or even keeping in contact with friends and family.

The net result of my extreme avoidance and exuberant procrastination was: guilt, fear, powerlessness, depression, anxiety, paranoia… All those saturating things that I’m trying to shake from the web of my existence…and me just feeding the fire with every lie-in, every unresolved email and all the rest. I was so utterly engulfed by this tide before the xmas holiday, that I got repeatedly sick and achieved essentially nothing.

I do not want to live like that any more. I dont know if it’s the new year of trying to build confidence actually having effect…the looking for positive instead of fixation on negatives, but I am now trying very hard to do things as soon as I think of them. Cursed as I am with le memory de goldfishe, what hope do I have otherwise? This is working out well so far. I have done several boring but necessary things in the lab that I was trying to avoid (and would eventually have to do them in a rushed panic), im planning out my days carefully, and I’m keeping my calm.

With uncharacteristic tranquility I float around the lab, busying myself and taking care to tidy up afterwards. It feels pretty good. Im relaxed and able to think straight and although I am not working at full speed, I am making less mistakes and keeping better records!

Something upsetting happens, I try to let it wash over me. I’ve always wanted to be one of those people..so let’s see how long it lasts!

As for dreams…I dreamt that the boiler broke. I mean to say that I whole to subzero flat, ice on the windows and clearly no hot water or heating. Logic said…that’s not possible you live in a block of flats and considering it was 20 degrees when I went to bed it would have to be -50 or something outside….but regardless I investigated…the boiler had two error codes. E128 and e137. I hAbe no idea if that has any real life meaning but the boiler temp read 0C yet instead of turning the beast off I figured I would heat up the room using an electric heater to defrost the boiler, then try to get it going…dream fingers cannot type so google couldn’t help me much. Eventually the room got to 10C, boiler reset and started to work! Yay! All I could think was…im going to be late for work…why? Um. Cos my alarm had already been snoozer several times (real life) yet I was determined to revisit the dream and find out what happened!

“I get so upset,

Just hold me,

Don’t let me

forget,

What’s important,

What’s important.”

~So Long, Ida

Dumb

So hurt. So numb. So silent. So full of words. So fearful. So calm.
This day should not have come to pass. This is not the way that things are meant to be. Trawling through lyrics trying to find something that comes close but nothing, just nothing can touch this. Too shallow. Too deep.

I cannot say why.I cannot say. I just can’t. This is not what I dream of. I need someone to believe in me, to counsel me or just hold me but instead I seek counsel in a bath of warm water. Rippling with dread and foaming with sadness. Gentle waves of words washing over my documented imperfections.Bathing in this state because there is nowhere else to suspend my body or mind.

I cannot clean myself of this. I cannot wash away the tears I refuse to cry, or the stains of guilt or rejection.

If only I could lay here a while longer.