Dried papaya >>>>> fresh

In case you didn’t know, dried papaya is far superior to fresh.

Just sayin.

I’ve been amusing myself today. God! I am so funny, why can’t anyone else see?

I use a machine called a seahorse that measures oxygen and ph…but lately I’ve been thinking about what if it wasn’t fluorescent probes. What if there is a magical seahorse in that box, jumping between the experiments, Wafting a fin, then pondering and typing his estimate into a tiny keypad. What if someone forgets to feed the seahorse? Anyway on my way home I was planning a cartoon of how I think a seahorse machine should work but figured it was kind of a nerdy niche thing and that maybe, just maybe, noone would care.

People not caring, surely thats a gibbon

Er I think you mean given, as in something which goes without saying?

No, I fairly sure I mean gibbon….thats what I always say in my head and imagine a gibbon standing there checking off a list of things which go without saying, nods – and then he without a word..goes

Glad I got those gems out of my system.maybe I said about the seahorse before? Well I didn’t find it as funny before!

Well I deserved to amuse myself today. Last night I sent an email to collaborator with 2 new figures and the manuscript as best I could finish it….and he replied….only
…he only got as far as the title then basically said there was no point him reading anything unless my boss had oked it…do this was frustrating but the clincher was this…

He made a comment about one of my figures, only, his comment was unrelated to the content and proved he didn’t bother to even look at two pictures!

I was sooooo angry!!!.ok so I’m not a PI But I’ve worked damned hard on this and would quite like some feedback!

After anger came sadness. Anger and sadness came in waves through the day but mostly I just shook them off and plowed on with some other tasks. (quite a fruitful day infact….papaya and all)

Oh logic and ability to string sentences together where for art thou? Hiding softly in the centre of tonights sleep I hope…

A bit of everything

Kitty cat is so happy here, she eagerly awaits me in the mornings, is playful and affectionate and hasn’t missed the litter tray once or stank out the flat. She loves her new scratching post and has shed several claw sheaths ( non cat owners, did you know that cats shed the outer layer of their claws to make way for new sharper edges?). I’m gonna miss the little madam. She is only here until tomorrow afternoon 😦 booooo. Double boo is that the flat MUST be spotless as my bosses mum is coming to collect her.

How the hell do you get a cat in a box? Last time boss lady did it…im not sure this cat will ACTUALLY be leaving tomorrow!

Dusty has been awesome company, wanting cuddles and having cat conversations and generally being a delightful cat-person to have around.

In other news, I had another wedding guest dress dilemma and decided it was time to get a new dress. For the first time in the history of the world I have found a dress that looks better on me than the model used in the photoshoot! Not only this but the sales lady told me I had a gorgeous hourglass shape (ok I’m sold!). Such a sucker for a compliment! This one is unusual for me…a large flower print…oh I’ll just show the link…

http://m.debenhams.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/prod_10701_10001_58607+2224834198_-1

I can accessorize with black, black and black and still not look like I’m at a funeral.

Regarding food/weight this not counting thing is great but….I have lost a bit of weight and need to consciously eat more…I had takeaway and canteen food this week but even still the number slid down a bit and I’m left feeling deflated and tired.

Go go gadget nut and seed extravaganza!

Oh speaking of nuts I broke a tooth on a pistachio…I assume it was a bit of shell? Ugh. Drama. Two trips to the dentist to fix it 😦 and two days of being unable to rest my jaw properly but now all fixed and comfy..I have not felt relief like having that monster filling drilled back to size…I could have hugged that lovely eastern European dentist lady (but refrained)

What else can I tell you about? The fact that half a pint of beer got spilt over the coffee table and I was yelled at and told “quick”
Quick what? You are getting cloths, what am I meant to be quickly doing?

Stress. But what I did realise when I cleaned the rug was….oh good lord the carpets are FILTHY. Must get a carpet cleaner on loan, I’m disgusted at the dirt that came off such a small patch of rug. Oh poor rug….its been through the wars this week…cat pulling up fibres, beer, scrubbing. There is surely a limit to the amount of drama a £35 rug will endure!?

Had another dream about ex…weird because it involved his wife and kid…and mostly I was just being a counsellor rather than a temptress which was a nice shift of emphasis! My brain is so silly!

I’ve been bemoaning my lot regarding this infernal manuscript which we are trying to publish. Well. In a very unusual move, one of the journals to which we previous submitted has changed their mind and decided they want us to resubmit for review.
Well I never!
This is all very peculiar – I guess that it depends do heavily on the interest of the editor who happens to see the manuscript , and in this case it turns out an editor who DIDNT see it actually has s lot of interest in the topic.
Now I have the unenviable task of rewriting thr paper in the correct format with the right emphasis as the boss lady is in Hawaii and
I’m feeling a bit out of my depth. Boss is very particular about writing. Collaborator is very aware of underselling I am scared of overselling. Journal is very selective so all in all a huge pressure!!!

And breathe

You know how little kids sometimes sing songs to themselves? I used to sing about princesses and ponies and faeries etc….well imagine if a 30 year old man did this- only he was preoccupied with defacation, genetalia esp gay sex and animal abuse / bestiality. I’ve threatened to record him and start a new blog just showcasing his lyrical ability!!

Do something that scares you

Today I have…
.Seen a doctor about something I’ve been putting off (none of your business just know it’s nothing to worry about)
..Submitted some official correspondence on behalf of my boss (str-ess-full)
…Worked on a new manuscript
….picked 16 ecoli colonies and grown them up
…..sorted out my human tumour cells
……troubleshot a machine malfunction
…….convinced the cat to eat
…….agreed to donate 45ml blood for a TB study

I have also
.done something stupid to my shoulder
..been beeped and verbally abused for cycling on a cycle path (?)
…found nail clippings on the bathmat (ewww)
….reflected on my cantering on Casper yesterday even though I had previous difficulty stopping and slowing him, and with a new bit and noseband…after he played silly buggers backing up before we went out.

It looks like I am being brave this week! Choosing to do some things which are scary. I now feel much safer on Casper as a result and won’t be as nervous again 🙂 maybe I can tackle my fear of blood samples? That or I’ll pass out….meh…

Btw Casper was a little angel…super speedy exhilarating canter (cos I didn’t sone the whole time fighting for control) but slowed when I asked and stopped. He didn’t have a sore mouth either (something I was worried about) and seemed comfortable and responsive with a light contact. Yay. Now I can enjoy riding again 🙂 one day I might let him gallop to let off steam, but small steps at a time!

bummer

http://grooveshark.com/s/So+Long/2X9h4U?src=5

or if that fails

Bum

paper got rejected again without going to review.

Stage Start Date
Review Complete; E-Mail Notification Sent 0000-00-00
Pending Final Recommendation 0000-00-00
Under Editorial Board Review 0000-00-00
Quality Control Review Completed 0000-00-00
Quality Control Review Started 0000-00-00
Author Approved Submission 0000-00-00

This is very frustrating.

IDA- so long

I’m sailing on a ship so smooth
Maybe I don’t have much to lose or win
From your wide open eyes again
With a willing heart and mind I will never be
Far behind

We’re just haunted in our skins
By all that could’ve been
You hide it from your face but it still shows

There’s no words for what you are
You stay while death
Is chasing the stars away
From the night sky
You run

And want what you always wanted back

Time won’t ever swallow everything
Whole
If you give all your love(love)

I’ll be waiting
I’ll be waiting
I’ll be waiting

Disjointed phrases

Oh my.
X5 how I loathe thee.
Thy bringer of 90 min panic attacks and motion sickness.

:S

I have not felt so I’ll for a very long time.
So
Was it worth it?
Well I surprised my sister on her 18th birthday and delivered her present

Oh im getting ahead of myself.
So tired.

Well the answer is yes but it wasn’t just the impending doom for an hour and a half, there was waking up at 6am and cycling in the pouring rain to collect aforementioned giftage from post office depot.

30min walk in heels with suitcase to bus stop

Unknown foodiness turning out to be tomato sauce based yet knowing I had to just eat it and smile

Not having enough to eat for lunch then getting dizzy predinner

But

Happy sister

And I got to eat a cupcake with purple glitter on so

image

Ok
Sleep

Cancer unzipped, a commentary on social avoidance and horse control progress

Today I received something awesome in the post!

it’s a furry cancer cell (malignant neoplasm)

Photo on 2013-08-05 at 13.25  Photo on 2013-08-05 at 15.41

Photo on 2013-08-05 at 13.26 #3

As you can see the happy healthy cell is all cute and smiley – then you unzip it’s mouth and turn it inside out – it becomes a horrible miserable sickly cancer cell! of course this furry guy can be instantly cured by being turned back inside out (unlike ACTUAL cancer cells – the only way to deal with them is to excise or otherwise kill them 😦 )

http://www.giantmicrobes.com/us/products/cancer.html

Now I know I’m appearing to make light of a medical problem which will affect ~ 40-50 % of the population during their lifetime according to the latest statistics. I feel able to take this stance as 1) my gran has severe cancer (starting out as ovarian) 2) I’ve had a skin cancer scare (severely dysplastic – i.e. a mole which was growing / darkening and looking suspiciously similar in the biopsy to malignant ) and 3) I work in medical research, hoping to one day make some contribution towards the treatment of cancer or other debilitating, common or serious medical conditions. I also grow plates of cancerous (immortalized) human cells for some of my experiments, so I guess I have a slightly different view of cancer to a lot of people.

So I reckon this guy – the furry toy cancer is quite cute and I hope it’s the only cancer I ever get.

There is another side to my opinion though – cancer (by definition – dysfunctional, mutated cells that divide uncontrollably) happens all the time to everyone but under normal circumstances your immune system recognizes there is an issue and zaps the cells into oblivion so no harm done – cancer as we think of it happens when the immune system fails to recognize a problem with these cells and they grow to obstruct organs, hog nutrients and being an overall burden on your system. Did you know that just from ambient radiation you will be getting random mutations accumulating in your cells all the time throughout your life? no? It’s nothing to be scared of – its been happening since the dawn of DNA (hence evolution)! The only human cells which are safe from this process are your germ cells (eggs and sperm) fascinating huh? so even if you get a bad mutation at some point – you won’t pass it on to your progeny – very clever of nature that one 🙂

In other news, That dress dilemma I had resolved itself (thanks Petra !!) I went with zebra print cocktail dress and that was just right ( set me in between the neon pink lycra minidress and full length evening gown crowds). It was a bit weird because we only knew the ecstatically happy couple (oh lord! I nearly spilt half my glass of wine down one of their suits when they went in for an unexpected hug  – thankfully Id plumped for rose – phew). so anyway – the only other people we knew were our next door neighbours – ah you think that’s ok – or thats bad because either you get along well already, or you want to avoid them right – I mean, you’ve lived next to them for about 3 years now…so….

Actually – um – ha – you’ll find this funny – erm – we have  never had a conversation with them which extends further than ‘nice weather!’ or “hiya!” or maybe “how are you doing?” pleasantries only. Well we had no choice – after being told by the newlyweds that they were outside we kind if had to go out there too – cringing all the way thinking – oh god! how do we explain being so antisocial and what if they can hear us arguing through the walls or hear the guitar or my singing – erm

Well after the usual – hiya – how are you doing, isn’t this a lovely place etc I came out with something along the lines of “I’m sorry that we live right next to each other but don’t know each other at all – why don’t you tell us a little about yourselves” and off we went – it turns out that they are actually a really nice young couple – they like vampire movies, one is a teacher, the other an electrician and they really were quite good company for the evening and I am so glad that we were forced to socialise like that otherwise we probably never would! As it stands they are curious to see how my decoration went (apparently no-one else i the block has decorated…) and to be honest Id interested to see the lifesize model of K9  from doctor who that they have i their hallway! we arranged to swap some music and dvds and all is good. They even gave us a lift home in their suped up car (very cool and extremely careful driving too). What I find sad is that living in a place like this you really have to make the effort to get to know your neighbours – you see them in the bin shed or scampering up to their flat but really – that’s it! with no communal garden or anything its set up for isolated units entirely. Sad. but now a bit happier :0)

As for the horse – well you know I had some issue stopping the new horse Casper when we cantered the first time? well the second ride I went out feeling a bit apprehensive and only did transition work (no long distances of canter) as i wanted him to start listening to me! Well I got myself a balance strap (bit of leather that connects to the front of the saddle for emergency grabbing) which gave me a bit of confidence – I also tried to remember the techniques I learnt all those years ago for controling horses and tried some out. It turns out that Casper resopnds well to seat and leg commands – I can get him to speed up, slow down, stop, turn left or right without the use of reins…(that’s in a walk) so we did some more transition training – walk-trot-walk-halt-walk etc and then -walk-trot-canter-trot-walk-trot – just to check the brakes! and he was really responsive – great I thought! we had a few moments when he thought he’d try and take the piss – he wanted to go home and we were going another way – bugger that! he’s not in charge of the route plan! get on with you, you silly horse! when we came to a stubble field I thought – ok there is an entire field to try and stop him in and if we don’t slow down by the corner we can just go round and round the field until we are under control (as opposed to getting to the end of the bridleway where there was a concrete strip…) so off we went (with my friend watching with interest to see what we did!) and he went into tro and canter as asked but threw his head down (oh go! am i going to get bucked off?) but he just needed a cough – so we carried on but one the coughs ended he kind of charged a bit – really stretching his legs and running for glory – at which point I checked my seat – although reins were not loose, I was tilted forwards in the saddle and grippping with my lower leg – ah. I see – although hands were saying slow down, body was saying LET’S RACE! – so I forced my shoulders back, my seat back and exuded some calm, gave a few alternative squeezes on the reins and voila! a controlled canter! although slightly faster than I was used to on Monty, i knew my seat was secure even if the speed wasn’t perfect and when I asked him to trot, within a few strides trot we did :D. I’m so proud of us both getting used to each other – it was a great ride 🙂

Could I be Walking Higher

Have you heard the song ‘Walking Higher’ by Heather Nova?

it’s so beautiful. seriously.

From the delicate finger-picking intro to the lush harmonies and breathy backing and strikingly clear lead vocals with the relentless drive of the rhythm – like a heartbeat through the whole song. I was going to just post my lyrical highlights but really, every word is pretty darned perfect – and as a  poem and a song it just leaves this shimmering residue of hope but longing. The magic of transferring emotion through time and space  – what an incredible skill to perfect. I just love the image of old buried bones feeding the new trees, so true, so inevitable, so natural and peaceful – the separation of the bodily chemical composition from the being that is the ‘self’. Just – breathtaking.

“I carry you with me,
A ghost inside
And in these shattered arms
You’re still alive.
I carry you with me,
A holy shrine
And dogs and angels follow
Right behind.

And could I be walking higher,
Could I be right beside her ?

The bones they buried
Will feed the trees
But every word you ever spoke
Is still in me.

And could I be walking higher,
Could I be right beside her ?

And I will feel for you in the music.
And I will send that river home.
And I will cry for you sometimes
When the night is down.
And I raise my head up to the mountains,
Talk to the birds and I fly
’cause the spirit lives on,
When the body dies

And could I be walking higher,
Could I be right beside her?
Could I be walking higher
Could I be right beside her?”

 

Another song that makes my tears well up!

I had a dream some weeks ago that I met Heather – she invited me to her house and she and her Husband made us sandwiches and chatted away with us – it was so surreal but later found that none of the photos I took came out 😦 shame it was only a dream – bit it was a good one 🙂

dissecting the difference between hunger and thirst

Ever heard that people sometimes lose the ability to distinguish between hunger and thirst? I woke up at 3 AM hot and sweaty and figured I felt thirsty – had some water but still could not sleep because actually the problem was the lack of pancakes in my stomach!

But this got me to thinking – what is the difference between the meaning of hunger and that of thirst? In the most literal meaning hunger is the desire for nutrients and thirst is the desire for liquid (or more specifically water)

But what about the other uses?

money-hungry

blood-thirsty

cant think of any others. hmm and i thought i was so clever coming up with those two. huh.

curses.

Last night was just so awful and stuffy – hot and sticky and gross. This heat wave has been here for far too long!!! Last night I had so much to say but no time to say it and so nothing came out and it has dissolved and instead this drivel comes out now! One thing which I had not considered about being a healthy weight was the lack of heat tolerance which goes with it – I cycled 2/3 the way home on 31C heat last night then had to dismount due to immense incapacitating dizziness. Ok so it was hot and ok maybe I was a bit dehydrated, and yeah sure it was 8:30 pm and I hadn’t yet had dinner and sure, I was tired and I guess the hormonal stupidity that seems to be intent on making me anemic is still waging war against my general feeling of wellbeing but still – it was very unpleasant to have to stop cycling and walk 2 miles with my bike to get home 😦 excuses or non, I felt rough even after half a litre of lucazade sport.

Sadly my homecoming reception was less than reassuring. stupid anxiety after stupid dizziness making more dizzy making more anxious spiraling into panic-esque status and no-one willing to help me calm down or even acknowledge my feeling of impending doom and fear of wavering on the verge of consciousness 😦

but anyway – no idea if yesterday i needed water, sugar, sleep, hugs, iron, oxygen, B12, ice or anything else- but i reckon that if someone had come and rescued me given me a hug and a sugary drink and talked to me then i would have felt better much sooner – but as it was I found that I COULD cope alone and get myself home without needing another person pandering to my over-the-top reactions. Funny how sometimes we get the signals all mixed up and cannot work out what our bodies need.

Now i have a minor (entirely unrelated) dilemma – wedding reception outfit choice – been told wear whatever i feel comfortable in- some people will be super dolled up and others in jeans – so what’s a girl to do? I’ve got 2 dresses which are formal and not black (one cocktail, one evening) and two below the knee smart dresses all of which would probably be ok but evening dress has beaded straps and is quite flamboyant 🙂 cocktail dress is zebra print and two smart dresses are potentially a bit office-y. so; over-dressed or over-smart or something else entirely? temperature will play a factor but I worry that as I only just fit into the formal dresses, what if I never get another chance to wear the full length one before I erm outgrow it?