What I talk about when I talk about cycling

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The title of this post shows a more than passing resemblence to that of a book title by one Mr Mirukami. I cycle for about an hour every working day and there are several things which come to my mind on may days which I never bother to write down. So I will. Here.

I have noted several styles of bodily posture among the cyclists of Cambridge.

The knee splayer

-usually adopted by men riding moutain bikes which are too small for them, the knees are splayed out as wide as physically possible in a display of self-perceived manliness. You are fooling no-one, the distance between your knees is not considered by anyone else to be a measure of the size of your cock.

The knee crasher

– usually adopted by women of slight frames, peddling is restricted by the need to have the knees as close as physically possible, to maintain a self-perceived air of dignity. You are not fooling anyone – if you are wearing jeans why do you think you need to appear ladylike? the damage is already done.

The buttock clencher

-This seems to be on the rise – so far only seen in men riding mountain bikes, this perculiar style sees the cyclist make short burst of frenzied cycling (while out of the saddle) followed by bending one knee over the frame and keeping the other straight and freewheeling for a bit. The bike is also skewed during the freewheeling stage and the only plausible reasons why anyone would adopt such a posture are that a) they have shat themselves or b) are imminently about to do so and fear the consequences of sitting down on the saddle and relaxing their muscles for a moment.

Heel cycling

There are two forms of heel cycling, neither of which make much sense to me. 1. cycling using your heels to push the peddles. 2. cycling IN heels. Using your heels to push your peddles is an altogether bad idea, you are asking for some pulled muscles right there, what’s wrong with the balls of your feet? they are the perfect lever for your momentum. Cycling in heels is dangerous, inevitable your foot slides forward and you end up with the heel jammed against the back of the peddle causing muscle strain and difficulty when you stop at traffic lights.

Ninja cyclists

Those mysterious guys who wear all black and have no reflectives or lights yet think it is YOUR fault when you nearly crash into them. Grrrr.

What about me? how do I cycle? I cycle in trainers with my knees square, peddling with the balls of my feet, and i use bike lights – y’know, like a normal person does.

Various meaningless words, spaces and punctuation marks

Today has involved typing with gloves on, unintentionally attempting to extract subcutaneous tissue from my finger cut ( I thought it was just dry blood), various endeavours with windows 98 and archaic peices of the computational kind, wishing is was summer, breaking my bike light attachment midjourney and attempting to fix it with a hairband (failed), having too much coffee but someone else bought it so I felt i had to finish it, in depth discussions about game of thrones books with colleague in front of others who are miles behind and just wishing my stomach would not feel full for a little while!
Incidentally for any of the dairy intolerant persuasion, Yorkshire puddings contain milk. Last night’s delicious dining experience was somewhat spoilt by this morning’s reaction.
looks like we have ourselves another collaboration. Looks like we may have ourselves a deal. Looks like we might all get out of this crazy tour in the correct number of pieces.
Cryptic? Well ok.
I miss my dog.
I miss my hair going past my waist.
I miss feeling like I was invincible.
I miss being alone.
I miss thinking anything was possible.
I still believe in faeries. Does that make me a bad scientist?
Caffeine has a half life of about 6 hours. 6 HOURS. Greif! I never knew.

Sharing your soul and getting nothing back

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Have you ever shared a secret, a painting, a poem or something equally personal with someone you trust only to receive nothing in return?
I guess all relationships have give and take but what if you end up giving more than the other person wants. Let me give you an example. It took me years to allow my significant other to read my poetry, yet when I offered some to him to read, he was largely disinterested and had no comments to make. Same with my art work. I pour hours and slithers of my very being into my non nature based art (password protected) yet even after coaxing all I get in response is something generic like ‘yeah it’s alright, can i change the channel now”
I’m not saying that he is the only example. I had this great idea for a novel and span out the introductory pages then filed it away. Having found it a few years later the pretext of the plot seems fine to me and the initial style at least acceptable, but I lack confidence and dont want to waste months of my life completing said novel if it’s just pants, so I tentatively emailed it to a friend.
Now I know shes been through a lot and it probably wasn’t high on the priority list at all so some weeks later I asked if shed read it but no mention was ever made. That was over a year ago I think and I’m still a bit raw from that. Call me selfish, but I kind of would have liked some feedback, also on the line drawing I sent. How much time does it take to open an attachment and ponder a few moments? So my confidence was somewhat knocked by this. I accept that friends may not want to read all this shite I blog but this isn’t something I have exactly crafted yet I offer them the link still, they take one glimpse and never speak of it again. I have been doing this for years, oversharing my creations in the hope of recognition, of striking someone’s emotional reSponse, of acceptance. I’m not after praise just consideration. I took the time to make this and took the courage to share it but you cant take the time to bother contemplating it? I don’t know. I wonder if it’s any worse than being played a cd of some band and not bothering to give a real opinion but saying ‘yes very nice dear’. But it’s several CDs every day of someone else’s work and it gets tedious. I’m talking a poem or sketch or painting every few months.
I clearly overshare and expect too much in return. I guess sone times you have to accept that just because you think you have a connection with someone doesn’t mean you do. And just because you enjoy something and aspire to so.e achievement, doesn’t mean anyone will ever like it.

Adventurers in marshmallow butterfly land

Wallowing as I was in the luxury of having my flat to myself, taking a long bath and turning on the PS3 for dome pyjama skyrim fun; imagine my annoyance when I was phoned and told to check the mailbox because if I didn’t essentially the world would end. Not a fan of being caught out wearing pink and white pjs with little hearts and zebras on, I had to dress in something more suitably black, purple or red before descending  the stairs to save a couple of CDs from an apparent
apocalyptic demise.
For four days my brain has not been coping well with medication. I can’t remember things I cant understand things, I cant concentrate or even guarantee not knocking things over. Not to mention the swarm of butterflies which appeared in my belly, the marshmallow in my head and the fact that my body keeps thinking it’s hot, so it sweats, then it thinks it’s cold, so I shiver. Why am I describing this? Because I think most people have noted my spaced outedness…ie…I exploded a column case yesterday because I misread the protocol and I forgot to set a pressure alarm. I was also talking about using a spoon to weigh out glycerol, no…glycerin….no oh yeah glycine. Finally brain managed to remember or at least realise that spooning out liquids to weigh probably wasn’t what I did. Anyway after being summoned into my bosses office for an in depth chat about the manuscript..I struggled to make sense, or understand her ideas, so when she made a mistake with a chemical name I said she had no excuse but I did…Saud my meds were changed and hadn’t she noticed I’d been off my face fir the last few days…she thought I seemed much better!!! Better than WHAT?  A dead pigeon? Fine I seem more smiley etc but my scientific ability is shot to shit. So I did the only thing I could: I phoned the doc. So today I’m not to take any. From tomorrow I take an intermediate dose. I explained that I just cant be like this at work. I’m working every day with fatally toxic compounds and expensive equipment. I dont want to lose my job or life because of a blip in my meds. Somehow I eventually got through the necessary experiments and the results look ok so boss is happy even though I’m still offended.
Right time for a shower, a cycle and a chilly woozy day.

This line isn’t going anywhere

I spent Sunday morning with two horses a dog and two cats, all of which were keen for cuddles. I was then so relaxed I nearly fell asleep in the car on the way home. Animals are awesome. They provide a much better course for dealing with stress and anxiety than medication. The only issue is that I kind of slept funny on my hand but went riding anyway…and it wasn’t a problem until I dismounted but now it’s kind of sore.
Something I have had for years, as I fall asleep my whole body jerks me back awake. I assumed I had sleep apnea or something but apparently it has a proper name. Hypnic jerk. Common during stress / anxiety.well I never!
Incidentally I slept the last two nights okish ( thankfully) prob due to exhaustion. Dont care, sleep is sleep.
I had a conversation on facebook with an Israeli friend if mine about the repression of falun gong in China and about punishment etc. I touted my utipian view that noone  should have to compromise their beliefs just because a communist totalitarian regime disagreed..then when asked how I would expect it to be solved, I basically said I expected unicorns and faeries to come along and break down the regime. At this point my partner came into the room and I swift closed the tab. I knew he’d disapprove of me talking about such things and take the piss from my shallowness of knowledge. The fact is, I have never been in such a situation where I was banned from doing something integral to my life, nor do I have experience of conflict or corruption. All I have is my little view on how everyone deserves freedom, and people should not be forced to give up things they love. (the obvious criminal offenses aside)
Now although I choose not to follow a faith and I find it difficult to identify with those who do, there is no denying that the freedom to believe whatsoever you desire is a basic human right. I find spiritual oppression offensive despite my lack of religious faith, does that make me weird? probably. I beleive that bananas are evil – ther are fruit of the devil, no-one can force me to believe otherwise. The fact that this belief is allegedly irrational doesn’t matter – my believing this does not cause harm to anyone therefore why prise me apart from this against my will – now if by some freak chance someone is able to convince me I am wrong and prove to me that banannas are in fact NOT the enemy, then thats a different story, thats changin my own mind. see the difference? yeah crystal clear.

action plan from doc: increase prozac dose, take diazapam or zopiclone if necessary to sleep, come back in two weeks and see if mood has stabilised.What a fortnight. Reading back on my posts I’ve been through some crazy mood swings and personality shifts and its been exhausting! Happy, depressed, anxious, angry, dejected, resolute, positive, negative, black, white, good, bad. Jumping the grey chasm of fabled things which are just ok or neutral, neatly skipping over them as I sway from extreme to extreme. Too many fragments of personality fighting to have their say – it’s just exhausting.

Anyway those work stresses – tried experiment again and – it – worked. hooozah! thank F*ck for that, otherwise I was in some pretty bad sh*t as the manuscript relies on that experiment! so thats a releif. Also that thing I forgot to do for the student, well the machine broke during the night anyway so me flicking the switch or not would not have helped anyway.I’ev been coffee-free since thursday – I just had my first black tea an hour ago and wondering if that was a bad idea, fingers moving too fast – brain racing. At least partner will be away while I up my dose and try to stay asleep, I dont have to be embarassed infront of him for being pathetic, I can do it in the privacy of my own flat, unobserved. Not only this but I can get up whatever time I so desire and come home when I want, not when I *should*. (well half an hour after I *should* normally)

Unfortunately the stress doesnt end there though, im really worried about my gran and her partner, there is nothing I can do from here :S I’ve been so good for nearly two years at compartmentalizing anxiety-causing thoughts and not considering htem once they are beyond my control but now they are forcing their way forward into my consciousness. The sad thing is – on a higher prozac dose my writing is likely to get all bland and boring. More so than already. Sometimes Life hurts too much and you just need to step back. Im stepping back before it gets too painful to bear, I can see the signs and I dont want to go there.

This post isn’t gong anywhere. I want to buy a kntting pattern to make this:

deer with little antlers hat KNITTING PATTERN

cos its the cutest thing ever. but what if i make it wrong? what if it costs a fortune in wool and looks stupid on me. do i care? probably not. so why have i been lusting after the pattern for months and not buying it? cos i cant remember how to knit? possibly. cos I don’t deserve it….ahhh THAT old chestnut. F*ck it. I am going to buy the pattern and order the wool and get some new needles.  (she says defiantly then thinks she will do it when she gets home, or maybe tomorrow, or wednesday when partner isnt there)

cutest knitting things in the history of human kind : http://www.etsy.com/shop/TinyOwlKnitsPatterns?section_id=7364937

that’ll do.

Except went to cycle home and no bike front light…went back into lab to swear my head off about some bastard stealing my light.
Then
I remembered something.
Rummaged in my bag. One light .That bloody thieving red haired bastard! Self you’ve got some explaining to do!!

Suffering anxiety; something to be ashamed of?

My partner could not make it clearer. He is ashamed of me. He is ashamed that I had to take a day off work with ‘anxiety’ and that I resorted to medication. He just told me once more, it’s nothing to he proud of.

He thinks I dont have anxiety. The reason I can’t sleep is because I take a bath at night, because I read before bed, because it’s too hot, because there is no air circulation. My problem is allegedly that I fucked something up and can’t cope with not being told I’m wonderful all the time.

I then had a lecture on how I could never cope in his job, or even his colleague who has less than a quarter of his workload. That’s nice to know.

There is a distinct difference between not being told you are wonderful and being told you are selfish and shameful and basically pathetic .

And what do you suppose he did while meds were still making me a bit disorientated and woozy….play some extra tricks on me. Oh yea cos thats fair.

What do you do with someone who is anxious? Act angrily? Yeah not appropriate dumbass.