The queen of procrastination no longer?

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I am exceptionally skilled at procrastination. I excel at locating a bucket of sand in which to dunk my head. My task avoidance record is in the world-rankings. I have, for example, an exemplary record when it comes to prioritising reading a novel over doing the washing up. I could happily research for hours about folklore or horsecare and yet manage not to pay the gas bill. I often consider sleep a priority over all else (work included) and have become unreliable and overwhelmed by the ever-growing list of undone difficult, urgent or important tasks abounding while I am staring into the ether postulating about reflection or dreams (see below)…and so I to.d myself over 30 but seemingly incapable of sending birthday cards, finishing work projects or even keeping in contact with friends and family.

The net result of my extreme avoidance and exuberant procrastination was: guilt, fear, powerlessness, depression, anxiety, paranoia… All those saturating things that I’m trying to shake from the web of my existence…and me just feeding the fire with every lie-in, every unresolved email and all the rest. I was so utterly engulfed by this tide before the xmas holiday, that I got repeatedly sick and achieved essentially nothing.

I do not want to live like that any more. I dont know if it’s the new year of trying to build confidence actually having effect…the looking for positive instead of fixation on negatives, but I am now trying very hard to do things as soon as I think of them. Cursed as I am with le memory de goldfishe, what hope do I have otherwise? This is working out well so far. I have done several boring but necessary things in the lab that I was trying to avoid (and would eventually have to do them in a rushed panic), im planning out my days carefully, and I’m keeping my calm.

With uncharacteristic tranquility I float around the lab, busying myself and taking care to tidy up afterwards. It feels pretty good. Im relaxed and able to think straight and although I am not working at full speed, I am making less mistakes and keeping better records!

Something upsetting happens, I try to let it wash over me. I’ve always wanted to be one of those people..so let’s see how long it lasts!

As for dreams…I dreamt that the boiler broke. I mean to say that I whole to subzero flat, ice on the windows and clearly no hot water or heating. Logic said…that’s not possible you live in a block of flats and considering it was 20 degrees when I went to bed it would have to be -50 or something outside….but regardless I investigated…the boiler had two error codes. E128 and e137. I hAbe no idea if that has any real life meaning but the boiler temp read 0C yet instead of turning the beast off I figured I would heat up the room using an electric heater to defrost the boiler, then try to get it going…dream fingers cannot type so google couldn’t help me much. Eventually the room got to 10C, boiler reset and started to work! Yay! All I could think was…im going to be late for work…why? Um. Cos my alarm had already been snoozer several times (real life) yet I was determined to revisit the dream and find out what happened!

“I get so upset,

Just hold me,

Don’t let me

forget,

What’s important,

What’s important.”

~So Long, Ida

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Some sentences, accompanied by other sentences

Uh-oh.
The boiler is being silly and throwing up error codes…SO is telling me that it’s going to blow up and that if it does I wont be insured because I haven’t had the annual service done yet.
After last nights vivid and disturbingly unsettling dreams, those particular thoughts were thoroughly unwelcome.

Do you ever wonder, if you lost all external references, how long it would take for you to change? For example, if you only heard the sound of your own voice, how long would it take until the language you spoke to become severely deviated if not incomprehensible to your former self? How would you feel about your body if you had nothing to compare it to?

Im such a coward. I need to switch pills but I’m afraid of new and unpleasant side effects. I know I’m not allergic because I had to take that pill before for a different reason but the dose was different and it was years ago and now I’m scared. So instead of taking up my challenge to switch today, I stayed with the old one but, I did eat some goats cheese and pesto pasta (with lactase tablets) as an experiment. If the outcome is good, all is well. If the outcome is bad, nighmares and fretting over the boiler might not be the only things keeping me awake!

Today I was asked by the director of our unit if I was graduating soon. Erm, no….I’m a postdoc….im permanent staff…He was so embarrassed, I felt kinda sorry for him, then pointed out for future reference, to remember that the one with the red hair is a postdoc, and maybe we should instigate a hair colour-coding initiative for ease of identification!

I have this list of things I keep forgetting to do:
Pay phone bill
Book boiler service
Switch phone provider
Arrange for shower to be fixed
(SO is whinging about all of the above and quite frankly, I agree it’s very shoddy of me)
Also check when appointments and meetings are planned( one caught me by surprise today),
Book and Take bike for a service

I wonder how many I can tick off tomorrow….