I am exceptionally skilled at procrastination. I excel at locating a bucket of sand in which to dunk my head. My task avoidance record is in the world-rankings. I have, for example, an exemplary record when it comes to prioritising reading a novel over doing the washing up. I could happily research for hours about folklore or horsecare and yet manage not to pay the gas bill. I often consider sleep a priority over all else (work included) and have become unreliable and overwhelmed by the ever-growing list of undone difficult, urgent or important tasks abounding while I am staring into the ether postulating about reflection or dreams (see below)…and so I to.d myself over 30 but seemingly incapable of sending birthday cards, finishing work projects or even keeping in contact with friends and family.
The net result of my extreme avoidance and exuberant procrastination was: guilt, fear, powerlessness, depression, anxiety, paranoia… All those saturating things that I’m trying to shake from the web of my existence…and me just feeding the fire with every lie-in, every unresolved email and all the rest. I was so utterly engulfed by this tide before the xmas holiday, that I got repeatedly sick and achieved essentially nothing.
I do not want to live like that any more. I dont know if it’s the new year of trying to build confidence actually having effect…the looking for positive instead of fixation on negatives, but I am now trying very hard to do things as soon as I think of them. Cursed as I am with le memory de goldfishe, what hope do I have otherwise? This is working out well so far. I have done several boring but necessary things in the lab that I was trying to avoid (and would eventually have to do them in a rushed panic), im planning out my days carefully, and I’m keeping my calm.
With uncharacteristic tranquility I float around the lab, busying myself and taking care to tidy up afterwards. It feels pretty good. Im relaxed and able to think straight and although I am not working at full speed, I am making less mistakes and keeping better records!
Something upsetting happens, I try to let it wash over me. I’ve always wanted to be one of those people..so let’s see how long it lasts!
As for dreams…I dreamt that the boiler broke. I mean to say that I whole to subzero flat, ice on the windows and clearly no hot water or heating. Logic said…that’s not possible you live in a block of flats and considering it was 20 degrees when I went to bed it would have to be -50 or something outside….but regardless I investigated…the boiler had two error codes. E128 and e137. I hAbe no idea if that has any real life meaning but the boiler temp read 0C yet instead of turning the beast off I figured I would heat up the room using an electric heater to defrost the boiler, then try to get it going…dream fingers cannot type so google couldn’t help me much. Eventually the room got to 10C, boiler reset and started to work! Yay! All I could think was…im going to be late for work…why? Um. Cos my alarm had already been snoozer several times (real life) yet I was determined to revisit the dream and find out what happened!
“I get so upset,
Just hold me,
Don’t let me
~So Long, Ida
Day 8. I have a decent sense of humour (imo)!
Ps. In all seriousness I was just walked around the flat to be chastised and shown all of the things that I have done incorrectly today (eg putting a plug in the wrong place, not washing up recycling to a high enough standard, not replacing toilet roll etc) y’know living with that kind of attitude can really wear down ones calm demeanour and positivity. ‘other people’ do things that annoy me but I don’t go shoving it in their face…like a puppys face being rubbed in pee on a carpet….