So hurt. So numb. So silent. So full of words. So fearful. So calm.
This day should not have come to pass. This is not the way that things are meant to be. Trawling through lyrics trying to find something that comes close but nothing, just nothing can touch this. Too shallow. Too deep.

I cannot say why.I cannot say. I just can’t. This is not what I dream of. I need someone to believe in me, to counsel me or just hold me but instead I seek counsel in a bath of warm water. Rippling with dread and foaming with sadness. Gentle waves of words washing over my documented imperfections.Bathing in this state because there is nowhere else to suspend my body or mind.

I cannot clean myself of this. I cannot wash away the tears I refuse to cry, or the stains of guilt or rejection.

If only I could lay here a while longer.

Panicking, ranting fishing for calories with an imaginary net

Trying to gain a bit of weight without counting calories feels somewhat like walking away from the sea but expecting a fish to jump in your pocket. I’m not saying it’s impossible just counter- intuitive….but maybe some fish pride themselves on their distance jumping and accuracy at pocket-landing. Who knows. Fish can be funny folk, and so can calories!

Gremlins have stolen not only my functioning nail clippers, but my not insubstantial collection of tweezers. One by one, secretly sequestered away with all the biros and ‘other’ socks I’ll bet!
If I’d had the time or energy I’d be freaking out about the state of my damned eyebrows, or how many nails will break off painfully rather than being neatly curtailed as is my usual want.

Yesterday I kind of thought I might be having some kind of psychosis when I started seeing red flashing lights in the corner of my eye – until I realised that it was the laser from the speaker bouncing off the walls…what a releif!

Maybe I should start at the beginning? maybe I shouldn’t even type, but while my fingers keep moving, the words keep glugging out. Here goes:
So I *may* have been a bit late for the work retreat yesterday and it actually wasn’t my fault (for once!) and while I was sh*tting myself that my boss was gonna have my guts if I was late I got a call from a colleague – My boss actually made her phone me, not to give me a bollocking, but rather to check that I hadn’t had a bad reaction to out manuscript rejection and wasn’t in a giant heap of anxiety / panic-ridden gibbering mess incapable of going out in public. Now, im not too ashamed to admit that I have those days, and also that I took the rejection much worse that I expected (stupid hope…) so it was genuinely heartening to know that even if I was getting limited support at home, my boss cared for my psychiatric health!l

The fun didn’t end there though…oh no…though I was determined not to let depressive thoughts rule the day and was gradually relieving the pressure from all that pent up pain I was ignoring over the weekend, a tremendous panic of hummingbird-chested, hand and ear numbing intensity (yeah thats normal for me…thats the point I realise im having panic and not actual death…numb earlobes…) overtook my whole body yet I had to stay seated in an enclosed space for a further 2 hours. By the end, as you can imagine I was exhausted, quite literally of adrenalin. My only hope of saviour was meditating or reading a book but. Well. I read a bit in the bath, then at 9:30pm started playing leela (Xbox game for relaxation / meditation) only to be interrupted 15 mins later (cos it was ‘late’ ) Bye bye calm…that’s ok i’ll just read some if it’s too late to be on the Xbox. what’s that? It’s too late to read? But it’s only 10:00pm!? Oh I know…why doesn’t someone have a lengthy go at me about how selfish my working hours are….surely that’s a decent substitution for escaping into a magical land where people talk about things other than how retarded or selfish everyone is, or about faeces, farting or gay sex. End rant.

If only I worked hard enough in other people’s eyes to deserve to be tired, to have earned the right to be stressed and anxious, but as it stands I guess I apparently just can’t cope with anything. If only some kind of sympathy, empathy, consolidation, comfort, SOMETHING was waiting for me at the end of the rainbow but y’know, it’s not.

A word of advice if I may? Don’t bottle up your feelings. No matter how smart you think you are being…they’ll come out eventually and in the meantime will make your skull feel like it’s about to explode glass-strewn tar everywhere. Or is that just me with the almighty headaches of doom?

Good grief! It’s raining cows and camels by the sound of it…sadly that does not mean I can get away with not washing my hair.

Rejection on more than one level

Overwhelming waves of anxiety swallowed me whole and shat me out into this ocean of mesmerizing depression. Sleepy strokes of half finished thoughts and the craving to just escape into the unconscious zone where nothing can hurt me. Dead to emotions other than ennui. Barely breathing. Large-scale shutdown after too much feeling and thought. Just numb, just floating, just waiting until I can next asleep.

What happened? Where did it go so wrong? Well lets start with my paper being rejected (again) and go on to consider that I do not deserve to discuss my feelings or thoughts on this topic and that I dont deserve support because I get up so late in the morning for work. At the point of being screamed at yet again, I flicked the switch and shut off my emotions. You could call it a skill, you could call it failure to cope but I call it surviving what I cannot tolerate any more.

The sun is shining but I see no beauty. The air is static and my ears buzz.

Dizziness. Flashes. Losing my mind.

From 5pm onwards I started to feel a bit strange. Maybe it was the coffee, maybe it was the later than usual night or maybe it was something altogether more sinister. All day on my feet concentrating and I was sure this experiment was heading south with every misplaced pipette tip.

Whirring thoughts and flashes of memories streamed past my mind. A veritable torrent of vivid, unwanted and uninvited sensations leaving me giddy and disoriented.  Aching hot and cold in that suspicious sweaty palmed shivery kind of way, I made my way ponderously home.

Not for me, the hugs or kisses, the interested questions. No smiles or presents were awaiting me there. Just a tepid quiche and a scolding for my tardiness. Just a reminder that this giddiness is my own fault for getting up late.

Oh how cursed we are, we subordinate minions, how we bring such fates as migraine upon ourselves. If only we could learn that rising early will solve the world’s problems, but we are just too stupid to see. So we carry on surviving outside of acceptance, knowing all evil is rooted therein, and knowing that sympathy, kindness and smiles, are only deserved by the pre6am risers. Those grand superior beings with their self control and diligence. How wonderful if must be to be so righteous and so sure.

The last step of eating disorder recovery

The final step of eating disorder recovery looks a lot like many of its predecessors, only this time, it’s global.

So you are weight restored, mentally stable, and do not consider yourself to have an eating disorder any more.

And yet

And yet you still want someone checking up on you, prodding you, reminding and encouraging you if you veer outside of your healthy boundaries.

If you are still maintaining weight or eating healthily or taking your medication just to get a pat on the head and to be told you are doing well, at the age of 31, you need to think of the following:

Take responsibility for yourself. Until you are doing these things for YOURSELF rather than for other people’s sake, you will not truly be recovered.

So that’s where I stand. On the brink. The final frontier. Leaping off and knowing theres no specialized doctor ready to catch me. Im not a child any more. I have been educated and encouraged sufficiently to understand the importance and the reality of what must come to pass. It’s time to stop dumping responsibility on others. I still want someone I can say made me fat or skinny or think a certain way or whatever but at the end of the day, the only person who controls my diet, exercise and extent of preoccupation, is. Me.
It’s my fault and to my credit that my body and mind are healthier. I had help along the way but why must I keep creditting or blaming others?

It’s over, anorexia. One more weigh-in under surveillance then all the safety nets will dissolve. For the first time im kind of excited about that.

I love the feel of new pyjamas and other borderline existential information

1Ahhh new crisp pyjamas with functioning elastic waist and no bobbles from washing – how i love to feel you against my skin!

I must say that the ‘purple’ turned out to be suspiciously magenta but I will forgive that because, quite frankly – they are so comfy 🙂

Some horses are really messy eaters. Really. Food all over the place, all over their face, oh what a disgrace!

Dont trust boiler engineers. Boiler was being a bit silly. Engineer said there was nothing wrong, now heating doesn’t work and I have to pay £50 and take a day off work. Well at least the engineer didn’t realise that the torch I handed him was the one the engineer left here last year!

Cake is not the enemy.

So….people who can’t smell cyanide, would they be the same people who enjoy the flavour of marzipan?

Went to two supermarkets, failed to get a lightbulb for the ensuite. Darn it! A shower by eerie bedside lamp underlighting? Sure, why not?!

I might start a new game, it’s called criticism bingo…every time im criticised for being (fill in the blank) then I cross off that square. Yesterday would have been a good game, although ‘childish’ and ‘lazy’ were a bit overrepresented, perhaps I need more than one square for each comment.

(I type this having overslept by nearly two hours and yet still finding time to write drivel….oh dear)

Making a poster is much more difficult if there are two of you rather than one, there is no spellchecker and one is highly dyslexic (the other shows tendencies) BUT when I sent it to be printed I was commended by the graphics dept on how nice it looked 🙂 woohooo! yup, I have to say, that poster is pretty darned good.

Strange hues


Things are changing to strange hues. Something has spun me around and left me feeling weightless and giddy. For now I am centred, spinning on my axis but dancing in time, not behind, not in front and not falling over myself, not aimlessly searching for a better place to stand, just observing the landscape which surrounds this safe place I have found.

I may be lost and fickle and selfish and broken but all of a sudden, im hungry for life and certain I know who I am.

Sometimes, when you change just one little thing, unexpected tranquility descends.