Panicking, ranting fishing for calories with an imaginary net

Trying to gain a bit of weight without counting calories feels somewhat like walking away from the sea but expecting a fish to jump in your pocket. I’m not saying it’s impossible just counter- intuitive….but maybe some fish pride themselves on their distance jumping and accuracy at pocket-landing. Who knows. Fish can be funny folk, and so can calories!

Gremlins have stolen not only my functioning nail clippers, but my not insubstantial collection of tweezers. One by one, secretly sequestered away with all the biros and ‘other’ socks I’ll bet!
If I’d had the time or energy I’d be freaking out about the state of my damned eyebrows, or how many nails will break off painfully rather than being neatly curtailed as is my usual want.

Yesterday I kind of thought I might be having some kind of psychosis when I started seeing red flashing lights in the corner of my eye – until I realised that it was the laser from the speaker bouncing off the walls…what a releif!

Maybe I should start at the beginning? maybe I shouldn’t even type, but while my fingers keep moving, the words keep glugging out. Here goes:
So I *may* have been a bit late for the work retreat yesterday and it actually wasn’t my fault (for once!) and while I was sh*tting myself that my boss was gonna have my guts if I was late I got a call from a colleague – My boss actually made her phone me, not to give me a bollocking, but rather to check that I hadn’t had a bad reaction to out manuscript rejection and wasn’t in a giant heap of anxiety / panic-ridden gibbering mess incapable of going out in public. Now, im not too ashamed to admit that I have those days, and also that I took the rejection much worse that I expected (stupid hope…) so it was genuinely heartening to know that even if I was getting limited support at home, my boss cared for my psychiatric health!l

The fun didn’t end there though…oh no…though I was determined not to let depressive thoughts rule the day and was gradually relieving the pressure from all that pent up pain I was ignoring over the weekend, a tremendous panic of hummingbird-chested, hand and ear numbing intensity (yeah thats normal for me…thats the point I realise im having panic and not actual death…numb earlobes…) overtook my whole body yet I had to stay seated in an enclosed space for a further 2 hours. By the end, as you can imagine I was exhausted, quite literally of adrenalin. My only hope of saviour was meditating or reading a book but. Well. I read a bit in the bath, then at 9:30pm started playing leela (Xbox game for relaxation / meditation) only to be interrupted 15 mins later (cos it was ‘late’ ) Bye bye calm…that’s ok i’ll just read some if it’s too late to be on the Xbox. what’s that? It’s too late to read? But it’s only 10:00pm!? Oh I know…why doesn’t someone have a lengthy go at me about how selfish my working hours are….surely that’s a decent substitution for escaping into a magical land where people talk about things other than how retarded or selfish everyone is, or about faeces, farting or gay sex. End rant.

If only I worked hard enough in other people’s eyes to deserve to be tired, to have earned the right to be stressed and anxious, but as it stands I guess I apparently just can’t cope with anything. If only some kind of sympathy, empathy, consolidation, comfort, SOMETHING was waiting for me at the end of the rainbow but y’know, it’s not.

A word of advice if I may? Don’t bottle up your feelings. No matter how smart you think you are being…they’ll come out eventually and in the meantime will make your skull feel like it’s about to explode glass-strewn tar everywhere. Or is that just me with the almighty headaches of doom?

Good grief! It’s raining cows and camels by the sound of it…sadly that does not mean I can get away with not washing my hair.

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The last step of eating disorder recovery

The final step of eating disorder recovery looks a lot like many of its predecessors, only this time, it’s global.

So you are weight restored, mentally stable, and do not consider yourself to have an eating disorder any more.

And yet

And yet you still want someone checking up on you, prodding you, reminding and encouraging you if you veer outside of your healthy boundaries.

If you are still maintaining weight or eating healthily or taking your medication just to get a pat on the head and to be told you are doing well, at the age of 31, you need to think of the following:

Take responsibility for yourself. Until you are doing these things for YOURSELF rather than for other people’s sake, you will not truly be recovered.

So that’s where I stand. On the brink. The final frontier. Leaping off and knowing theres no specialized doctor ready to catch me. Im not a child any more. I have been educated and encouraged sufficiently to understand the importance and the reality of what must come to pass. It’s time to stop dumping responsibility on others. I still want someone I can say made me fat or skinny or think a certain way or whatever but at the end of the day, the only person who controls my diet, exercise and extent of preoccupation, is. Me.
It’s my fault and to my credit that my body and mind are healthier. I had help along the way but why must I keep creditting or blaming others?

It’s over, anorexia. One more weigh-in under surveillance then all the safety nets will dissolve. For the first time im kind of excited about that.

A bit of everything

Kitty cat is so happy here, she eagerly awaits me in the mornings, is playful and affectionate and hasn’t missed the litter tray once or stank out the flat. She loves her new scratching post and has shed several claw sheaths ( non cat owners, did you know that cats shed the outer layer of their claws to make way for new sharper edges?). I’m gonna miss the little madam. She is only here until tomorrow afternoon 😦 booooo. Double boo is that the flat MUST be spotless as my bosses mum is coming to collect her.

How the hell do you get a cat in a box? Last time boss lady did it…im not sure this cat will ACTUALLY be leaving tomorrow!

Dusty has been awesome company, wanting cuddles and having cat conversations and generally being a delightful cat-person to have around.

In other news, I had another wedding guest dress dilemma and decided it was time to get a new dress. For the first time in the history of the world I have found a dress that looks better on me than the model used in the photoshoot! Not only this but the sales lady told me I had a gorgeous hourglass shape (ok I’m sold!). Such a sucker for a compliment! This one is unusual for me…a large flower print…oh I’ll just show the link…

http://m.debenhams.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/prod_10701_10001_58607+2224834198_-1

I can accessorize with black, black and black and still not look like I’m at a funeral.

Regarding food/weight this not counting thing is great but….I have lost a bit of weight and need to consciously eat more…I had takeaway and canteen food this week but even still the number slid down a bit and I’m left feeling deflated and tired.

Go go gadget nut and seed extravaganza!

Oh speaking of nuts I broke a tooth on a pistachio…I assume it was a bit of shell? Ugh. Drama. Two trips to the dentist to fix it 😦 and two days of being unable to rest my jaw properly but now all fixed and comfy..I have not felt relief like having that monster filling drilled back to size…I could have hugged that lovely eastern European dentist lady (but refrained)

What else can I tell you about? The fact that half a pint of beer got spilt over the coffee table and I was yelled at and told “quick”
Quick what? You are getting cloths, what am I meant to be quickly doing?

Stress. But what I did realise when I cleaned the rug was….oh good lord the carpets are FILTHY. Must get a carpet cleaner on loan, I’m disgusted at the dirt that came off such a small patch of rug. Oh poor rug….its been through the wars this week…cat pulling up fibres, beer, scrubbing. There is surely a limit to the amount of drama a £35 rug will endure!?

Had another dream about ex…weird because it involved his wife and kid…and mostly I was just being a counsellor rather than a temptress which was a nice shift of emphasis! My brain is so silly!

I’ve been bemoaning my lot regarding this infernal manuscript which we are trying to publish. Well. In a very unusual move, one of the journals to which we previous submitted has changed their mind and decided they want us to resubmit for review.
Well I never!
This is all very peculiar – I guess that it depends do heavily on the interest of the editor who happens to see the manuscript , and in this case it turns out an editor who DIDNT see it actually has s lot of interest in the topic.
Now I have the unenviable task of rewriting thr paper in the correct format with the right emphasis as the boss lady is in Hawaii and
I’m feeling a bit out of my depth. Boss is very particular about writing. Collaborator is very aware of underselling I am scared of overselling. Journal is very selective so all in all a huge pressure!!!

And breathe

You know how little kids sometimes sing songs to themselves? I used to sing about princesses and ponies and faeries etc….well imagine if a 30 year old man did this- only he was preoccupied with defacation, genetalia esp gay sex and animal abuse / bestiality. I’ve threatened to record him and start a new blog just showcasing his lyrical ability!!

Time is the diamond

Time is just flying at the moment. Things and words, thoughts and actions all whizzing past with nary enough time for consideration. I worked from home the other day and didn’t so much as turn the tv on. I haven’t spoken to my family in ages and I feel like I just haven’t stopped running!

Today I feel like going to a park or a wood somewhere, despite the rain, and just writing and writing until my head is empty and ready to receive new info and experiences.

I’m still feeling pretty down about myself. Inside and out. I’m getting old, yet still suffering spots, I’m gaining weight yet still not a nice shape. I’m trying to be positive but feel depressed. All in all I am terribly disappointed with the me who exists at the moment.

So. I decided to make an effort to improve things.
1. Doc gave me antibiotic for skin.
2. Not picking skin as much ( old compulsive behaviour creeping back in).
3. Trying to eat more despite sudden horror of current weight.
4. Bought myself three Ida CDs.
5. Dressed in clothes I felt more confident in. Black flares and top with purple and black corset-back coat, and with a gorgeous necklace gifted to me by my sister-in-law, and my sunglasses, which I love.
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6. Walked around town with what would look to other people like dignity and confidence.

So now I feel great, right?

Well, no. Sadly although the initial effect was positive ( I saw a few people I work with and for once wasn’t totally embarrassed by how I looked…not that I think they noticed me). Some less than great things have dampened my efforts.

1. Ran out of most foods so breakfast was porridge made with water 😦 and tea because out of coffee.
2. Only had ~200 kcal by 1pm whereas usually have + need more like 900 before lunchtime.
3. Stupid Pfizer have discontinued a pill I take, so now I have to switch to another with horrible side effects. This is most saddening 😦
4. Massive month late April showers.
5. SO making me feel like shit during shopping trip as per usual.
6. Wishing I could get dressed up go out drinking and dancing and being silly but knowing there is no opportunity.

I got myself a new lipbalm pomegranate flavour donchaknow. Fascinating. I know.
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There was so much to say but its hard to get the flow going when you are typing on a smartphone.

Damn! I need to dye my hair. Every time I swear there are more greys.

Bastards are taking over my scalp, acne and wrinkles taking over my face.paranoia creeping all over my psyche.

Come on bank holiday weekend, show me what (good stuff) you’ve got!!!

Progress report of sorts

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I have gained nearly two extra pounds. Yay me. Of course now I have to adjust to the slightly fattier curvier me and remember this is not my aesthetic or health maxima! Time to consider some yoga for toning. Time to consider how I feel about my body. Time for another round of self acceptance.
As I watch people fading away into their desired sizes, or governing their every walking moment with obsession over food and weight I just know I made the right choice.
I feel alive.
I feel safe.
I feel comfortable (ish)
I feel feminine.
I feel wholesome.
I feel strong.
I met three women on a course yesterday. Two were healthy and curvy and open looking, one was skinny and selfconscious looking. I guessed she was much slimmer than me now, she looked like a young girl despite being older than I. One flash of jealousy came, followed by considering how I’d much rather look relaxed, self accepting and womanly than child-like and fragile. The more I looked, the more I realised she really wasn’t all that much skinnier than me. That…maybe I look like that to other people…or at Ieast I did when I thought I looked ok. How peculiar.

Storming against irrational things I decided to try one of my favourite ‘old’ ( pre no dairy) foods: pesto and ricotta tortellini. It tastes amazing. However, within an hour of ingestion there are signs of physical incompatibility between intestines and ricotta. This makes me sad. Next time, same experiment with lactase tablet.

I’m scared to take a lactase pill. I dont knowwhat I think it’s going to do! Surely the only effect could be less digestive woes..so why do I think I’m going to go into anaphylaxis?
Stupid health anxiety.

There is some other stuff but it’s a totally other topic.