Short and sour

Remember how I was saying that I couldn’t pass an eye test? Well now I’ve done 4 and they are all different. So much so that this new optician has referred me to an ophthalmologist. Not only that but they stipulated some degree of urgency that I can only assume is code for “suspected maggot infestation of visual cortex”. 

The maggots may have ventured further still because last night after a bathroom trip in the dark, I mistakedly walked into the spare room and wondered where the hell that cd rack came from and where the fuck my bed was!

I’ve had to look at some childhood photos for a family project and it has made me realise once again that I am a very weird looking human. I think this has triggered that relentless recurring dream to descend; the one where I’m single and no-one is interested in me because I’m so hideous and awful. Today I’ve put on my frumpiest jumper to prove a point. 

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Time is the diamond

Time is just flying at the moment. Things and words, thoughts and actions all whizzing past with nary enough time for consideration. I worked from home the other day and didn’t so much as turn the tv on. I haven’t spoken to my family in ages and I feel like I just haven’t stopped running!

Today I feel like going to a park or a wood somewhere, despite the rain, and just writing and writing until my head is empty and ready to receive new info and experiences.

I’m still feeling pretty down about myself. Inside and out. I’m getting old, yet still suffering spots, I’m gaining weight yet still not a nice shape. I’m trying to be positive but feel depressed. All in all I am terribly disappointed with the me who exists at the moment.

So. I decided to make an effort to improve things.
1. Doc gave me antibiotic for skin.
2. Not picking skin as much ( old compulsive behaviour creeping back in).
3. Trying to eat more despite sudden horror of current weight.
4. Bought myself three Ida CDs.
5. Dressed in clothes I felt more confident in. Black flares and top with purple and black corset-back coat, and with a gorgeous necklace gifted to me by my sister-in-law, and my sunglasses, which I love.
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6. Walked around town with what would look to other people like dignity and confidence.

So now I feel great, right?

Well, no. Sadly although the initial effect was positive ( I saw a few people I work with and for once wasn’t totally embarrassed by how I looked…not that I think they noticed me). Some less than great things have dampened my efforts.

1. Ran out of most foods so breakfast was porridge made with water 😦 and tea because out of coffee.
2. Only had ~200 kcal by 1pm whereas usually have + need more like 900 before lunchtime.
3. Stupid Pfizer have discontinued a pill I take, so now I have to switch to another with horrible side effects. This is most saddening 😦
4. Massive month late April showers.
5. SO making me feel like shit during shopping trip as per usual.
6. Wishing I could get dressed up go out drinking and dancing and being silly but knowing there is no opportunity.

I got myself a new lipbalm pomegranate flavour donchaknow. Fascinating. I know.
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There was so much to say but its hard to get the flow going when you are typing on a smartphone.

Damn! I need to dye my hair. Every time I swear there are more greys.

Bastards are taking over my scalp, acne and wrinkles taking over my face.paranoia creeping all over my psyche.

Come on bank holiday weekend, show me what (good stuff) you’ve got!!!

Complaints of the skin variety

This week has seen an unacceptable plague of acne set up camp all over me.

Ok maybe not all over.

Ok maybe most people wouldn’t notice .

I genuinely believe that acne bacteria should be incapable off growing on human skin. I also think that adults should not have to suffer such teenage afflictions.

I know it’s not the end of the world, I know they will probably go away but I also know that these bouts are getting worse…since taking a course of roaccutane to treat my disgusting skin (at the time leaving me with enviably flawless skin)  it has gradually been sliding over 4 years despite religious applications of topical retinoids. I think I’m ready to ask my gp for some antibiotics because I know I’ll never get on Accutane again unless things get shockingly bad and I’m already ashamed to show my face in public 😦

The really shit thing isn’t the soreness or anything, it’s the emotional impact. I awoke to find three new facial inhabitants, none of which were going to hide subtly behind foundation, oh no and two more on my chest meaning my choice of tops to wear was instantly diminished.

You can think that I’m being silly or over-the-top but having even one spot makes me utterly miserable. All I can see in the mirror is a huge pimple with my face attached. Everything about me becomes ugly, shameful, dirty, imperfect…everyone who looks at me I’m just sure they are staring at my spots….

Maybe it’s a carry over from when my skin was REALLY bad and people DID stare and make comments 😦 maybe it’s because I’m 30 and I shouldn’t have this issue. Maybe it’s because I hoped that gaining weight and health would IMPROVE not worsen my skin…

So there we go. I feel absolutely revolted by myself, I am gross, I am just so ugly you cannot imagine. I wore my ‘im ugly on the inside too’ tshirt and felt justified bearing that slogan.

Everything is just dreadful if you have acne.

Dear cosmos please take away this affliction, I promise to drink more water and do more exercise and remember my vitamins…dont make me take vitamin a and kill my liver….