Slepan

I spent all night drifting in that wasteland between conscious and unconsciousness. Feeling for every swathe of grey, every vicious muscular twinge, trying to figure out how the brain and body knew to switch off. Wondering when and if that point would come to me, then circling back to the start of the process. Grey on grey and no sign of the subconscious anywhere,just an empty room. It wasn’t until after the furious burst of someone else’s early morning obnoxion retreated that I finally regressed into sleep. Some 20. Mins of cruel and twisted reminders of why I couldn’t drift off before, and I awoke startled, drenched in sweat and wondering if the shine had finally worn off that favourite escape of mine.

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A journey into hitherto unknown medication types

*note to self, visits to the GP are not meant to be you constantly trying to make the Dr laugh…this is serious business….I really MIGHT think I’ve got a turnip growing out of my foot…*

The journey has begun. I am switching from my faithful friend of 12 years, one Mr prozac, to a newer sexier antidepressant called mirtazapine. I’m doing this not because prozac doesn’t work (it does) but I simply cannot survive much longer with every night’s sleep broken by episodes of night sweats. Its been going on ever since I started the drug and enough is enough. This week I’m mostly having a headache due to tapering off prozac, which is in turns exciting, dizzying, exhausting and nauseating. I feel a little like the density of my brain has changed, and I’ve already started to get comments about moodiness at work. I had to warn the boss lady that I might be a bit moody until the transition is over, so about a month….she asked if she was allowed to tell me off….I said she could try. What I didn’t tell her is that if I’m feeling absolutely terrible then I’m popping a valium and staying home in a chilled out cocoon until the worst passes. Who wouldn’t? I’m not too sure about this new drug…it might make me gain a lot of weight (that sounds expensive) and might make me super sleepy or drowsy even during the daytime. I’m going to have to forgo horse riding for the first weekend just incase Im all off balance / uncoordinated etc 😦 Booo. It’s kind of scary because prozac and I have had a good run, we’ve been through some tough times together and come out relatively sane, albeit sweaty and tired. I’d love to come off antidepressants totally but the times I have tried have been a disaster. Everything feels so intense, it’s overwhelming. Maybe now I could cope ok if I can only get through the withdrawal procedure without scratching off my own skin. Nevertheless I know prozac will still be there for me if I break up with mirtazapine and even drug-relationship counselling (valium) or holistic approaches (hugging horses) can’t make things better.

Phase 1 of tapering prozac to half the dose and SO is already saying he’s not putting up with this shit ( me wanting to lay down and listen to music and generally chore-dodging due to slight dizziness and lethargy, and not finding being prodded in the eyebrow romantic?! ) so that bodes well….

I have no idea how my writing will be affected. If you are lucky I might even start proofreading what I type, but don’t hold your breath huh?!

“I’m medicated..how are you?
Let’s take a dive swim right through,
Sophisticated point of view”~placebo, follow the cops back home

Leaving the light on; boats are bad but boils are worse

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Have you read “heart of darkness”? If so, please tell me if it stops being about boats. I really cannot tolerate novels about boats. It was a miracle I made it to the end of “the scar” by China mieville and the “boat” in that was kind of like a raft of hundreds of boats melded into a floating city. Sounds interesting? Nope. Boats, too late, like physics, netball and war stories (Gabriel garcia marquez aside) end in Zzzzzzz. Damn, maybe that would sort out my sleep problems…Hmmm..

If you, like me, are plagued by the detestable unnatural state of growing monumental carbuncles ( ok actually small pimples) on your face, you’ll know how great it is when you find a way to get rid of the bastards. I haven’t touched that tube of panoxyl for months, so in desperation I cracked it open. Three days later and my skin’s pretty clear and nongreasy and then, and only then, do I remember all too late, what happens when you peroxide your face. If you don’t already know, what happens is that your face turns into a human snowglobe, or an early stage zombie and no makeup can rescue you. Oh no! It just makes it look like you’ve got some hideous contagious disease. Mmm tasty.

Soooo that’s pretty much it. I shed facial dandruff for your entertainment and my own stupidit and I try to read about boats because it seemed like a good idea but actually just sends me to sleep (for a while).

“First my left foot
Then my right behind the other
Breadcrumbs lost under the snow”

Anger is rising

Today has left me feeling all kinds of annoyed. Firstly, the morning came too soon again. It’s been happening more and more. You know, someone stealing those precious dreamy hours away from me. It’s some kind of elaborate scheme so someone else can siphon off hours for their own pleasure, only I’m just too dumb to catch them in the act. One day I’ll catch them and then I’ll be able to sleep 12 hours a day AND do my job.

I’ve vowed never to return to that bike shop. I’ve been going to this shop religiously since I bought my bike there a few years ago. They were always super helpful, did little jobs with no charge and didn’t lie about how much things were going to cost. I trusted them. The staff have changed and maybe the management too.
Not only was I royally shafted (for the second time), but I was insulted again….when I went to collect I was asked IF I knew what kind of bike it is. Firstly, they should damned well know from my name which bike it is and secondly, clearly as I’ve got two x chromosomes I am supposed to shrug my shoulders or giggle and say a pink one with a wicker basket. Unimpressed face ensued, and I was prompted as to whether I knew the make…the delay was not because I didn’t know, I was angry…its a women’s Scott sports hybrid bike. I almost told him the model and frame size but he wouldn’t have got my point.
I’m actually unhappy with BOTH of the brakes, I do not think that they have been set up properly and I will have to fix them myself, as I should have done in the first place. As for the last visit there where they messed up my lock while fixing a pannier rack and I had to fix it myself because the boy working there was trying to permanently fix the lock to the bike….and I was charged labour for that! Can you imagine! And the kid just looked at me like, oh yeah I’ve just spent loads of time watching you fix that up and time is money. The rack was overpriced anyway. Grrr. Never again.

Ok that’s enough venting of anger. There is more, but I can’t write about it so I’ll just bend someone’s ear in 3D.

 

“What if all the world you used to know
Is an elaborate dream?”

Sofa

So um sleeping on the sofa huh?
How did this happen?
SO has some forearm pain which is seemingly the end of the world and requires him to take up the entire bed.

Funny.

I remember when I broke my wrist I was the one to sleep on the sofa so I wouldnt disturb SO.

Had many good and much more worthwhile things to say but this is occupying my immediate thoughts.

Is it a massive overreaction to golfers elbow or is it angina, or a blood clot. I cant think of anything else that could possibly be so painful there without breaking a bone or ripping a muscle.

I daresay it will disappear by Thursday when he’s next scheduled to play golf.

Come on then sofa, lets start this unhappy ans uncomfy union of ours which is surely doomed to end in yawns.

Sorry about the ads…I didn’t pay for an upgrade so adverts have started to appear…
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Missing sleep and bizarre reactions

Something horrible has happened…friday night I slept really well..but since then my body and brain only want a time out during the afternoon. How frustrating! Im fully expecting to fall asleep on the next train…as long as there aren’t travellers chit chatting about mother in laws, dogs muddying sofas etc. I’ll just sip my mint green iced tea and wait for the end of the line to appear before me!

Ugh. An hour and a half wait because noone bothered to announce a change of platform…and I spent this time feeling weird. Weird because I have found out that an ex is about to become a father….it’s the same brand of weird I felt when he told me he got married. So why the wierdness? I had no desire to marry or procreate with this guy, im happy for him but right now I feel sad. Im sad because I know my lack of enthusiasm for marriage and kids makes me somehow an undesirable partner, and that other people can feel in love and happy enough that they really WANT to be wed publicly…because I’ve never felt that. Have I missed something? Conceptually marriage seems largely pointless unless you are living a romantic dream, or want an excuse for making a big celebration…but then by that logic, holidays, birthdays whatever, they are just nothing special….so that’s no fun. Dont get me wrong…I enjoy other people’s weddings! An excuse to dress up and appreciate the planning and aesthetics ( and happiness of bride and groom) but I guess in some tiny way I’m jealous…of the big fuss and celebration n all but sadly the big party comes with the necessary marriage stuffs which I don’t think is for me – and is this having children thing related or separate? Cos I definitely dont want to contract that idea! I cant begin to describe how a dog and a horse is more than enough responsibility mapped out for my future…and I know I’m far too selfish to bring up a child (aside from the total lack of desire for this). Im not going to justify my decision because I don’t have to. It is what it is and you cannot make me change my mind.

I guess I wish there was sometimes a little magic, a little romance, a little fire outside of books and movies. What do you do when noone wants to share your fantasy world of utopian views with you?