Shaking off negativity and passivity

I have been totally spoilt these past few days. I have been welcomed, accepted, entertained, repeatedly hugged. I have had delicious food, great company, smiles galore. As Hercules Poirot would say, it has been a trip most splendid. Mere days out of my usual pressures and I was already starting to think that maybe I wasn’t such a dreadful person after all, and maybe things could be a good deal more pleasant. No, that they SHOULD.
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It rained non stop. Drizzle to torrents and grey skies abounding. Fog obscuring the distance but that didn’t matter because the brain fog lifted and the drizzly greyness of my thoughts made way for sunny intervals. I think I forgot how fun it can be to splash in puddles, or to adventure around a castle when your inner pessimist says you should be safely in the warm and dry.

You may note a touch of past tense.

I arrived home more confident in myself. So. When SO started ranting about bloody disabled people ruining the rail station etc I disagreed. I strongly believe in defending those who are subject to prejudice, even if I don’t know the full story. Yesterday it was the disabled. I put forward a view that people with disabilities deserve to live as normal a life as possible, sadly this costs money and provisions like parking close to things are required. But. Because I do not know many disabled people and because I do not know the details of their subsidised help or benefits (and because there are those who abuse the system) I was told that I basically had no right to an opinion. That my liberalist view was pointless because I didn’t know enough to form an informed opinion and should therefore shut up.

Well.

Bollocks to that. Everyone, no matter how ill-informed, ignorant or socially inept, has the right to an opinion and freedom of speech. So I know nothing? Ok but I FEEL, and my feeling is that it’s not right to deny those who are less fortunate than ourselves the ability to travel by rail etc, nor is it acceptable to talk in such sweeping derogatory terms about such a diverse set of people.

So yeah. I got my pointless liberalism out of the cupboard and am rubbing it in everyone’s faces and no-one can stop me. Ha!

I wish it had stopped just there but no, the topics changed but the dismissive offensive attitudes were still presented to me. And still, and still, I disagreed.

Rather than taking the opportunity to discuss amicably and exchange ideas, experience and knowledge, I only received a lesson in how wrong I was and how it was bad of me to be so confrontational.

Ah.

Now let me think about that. Confrontational suggests that I go out of my way to cause a fight. But. All I did was try and express my different opinion when I was presented with something I considered offensive and unfair. I think that’s called having a discussion. But some people are so used to just scolding and preaching that if someone tells back, the shock of it feels aggressive. Well aggression breeds defense no? And I’m not sitting on my laurels accepting every bigoted, narrow-minded, prejudiced, dismissive, offensive comment that is thrown at me. I’m afraid by some hideous osmosis over years of passivity these seeds have grown to blackened sickly saplings in my mind but now I’m cutting them down and making way for some prettier things.

Sometimes

Sometimes trees are nothing but jagged lines connecting the earth to the sky. Sometimes the sky is only an undulating backdrop for the trees. Sometimes your breath is the sky and your feet are deeply rooted in the ground. Sometimes you are the jagged lines that connect the earth to sky.

Strange hues

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Things are changing to strange hues. Something has spun me around and left me feeling weightless and giddy. For now I am centred, spinning on my axis but dancing in time, not behind, not in front and not falling over myself, not aimlessly searching for a better place to stand, just observing the landscape which surrounds this safe place I have found.

I may be lost and fickle and selfish and broken but all of a sudden, im hungry for life and certain I know who I am.

Sometimes, when you change just one little thing, unexpected tranquility descends.

Solid sleep, beach riding and an English country garden

As you may or may not know, I took a week off work to visit my gran. I am now on train home and feel very rested and serene. I slept amazingly well in that still dark room, woken only by the sun pouring through the windows 🙂
I have happy memories of thAt house – rolling around on the front lawn, teaching the dog to play fetch, christmas dinners and secret nature reserve adventures. I feel at peace and totally accepted, appreciAted and loved there. I know the dog has a funny way of showing it! ( more rounds of long haired mini dachsie attempting to amputate a finger for me when I try to take her for a walk) but you know…it was just what I needed. To care for someone, to watch the birds and butterflies , to hear stories of life before I was born.
Just giving me room to stretch myself out, breathe deeply and remember who I am.

An added bonus was a beach ride along pakefield…I went to a riding school I haven’t been to in well over a decade, and rode a 20 year old 15’2 horse called captain. He was a sweetie! He looked after me but after riding highland ponies for over a year it felt very weird too be on a horse with such a giant stride abd bouncy canter! I lost a stirrup and nearly made a slo-mo dive to the sand! A minor stirrup adjustment later and I tried to regain some dignity! I must have looked like a total novice bouncing around like that! I was mortified that I plumped fir ‘advanced’ rather than ‘novice’ on the form…ohhh dear….but if it had been Monty I’d have looked amazing! Funny how you get used to a horse and their quirks etc…captain liked to give a little buck on the transition to a slo-mo canter and seemed to want me to hold his head up! Im used to my ride perking their heads up and going full pelt! Quite a different experience! Well I shall have to adapt to a 28 year old 15’2 so he’s probably quite similar to ride…haha! Im gonna look so silly to start with!

But memorable things this week were bouncy canters on the sand, strawberries, tea, good sleep, and escaping.

Freedom!

So today I have freedom in the flat, in, my flat.

It is SO rare to be here alone and I just LOVE being able to potter around, lazing my way through the day as I please. No-one questioning me, judging me, criticizing me, telling me off etc just me, at peace, at last 🙂 how can anyone complain about this kind of experience? I’d LOVE to have 4 hours of this every week while SO went out and did something with other people, or alone, but he HATES it….and so every bloody waking moment which is not taken up with work is in company, no time to be alone, to meditate, to reflect, to read through those notes from all that mental work I have done over the past 12 months, to just sit and accept that this is me – albeit unkempt, and that is just fine.

I even feel like tidying – isn’t it funny? as soon as I am alone I WANT to tidy and make the place all neat and nice, but when I have company I just don’t want to! I guess its because I have this stupid hope that if the place is perfect when <ahem> company returns home that I will be congratulated on being so good at making the place look nice etc – I know deep down that will NEVER happen, and I will just be expected to work hard ALL the time not just every now and then, but i guess I’m just a naive dreamer!

you know what? I feel like singing 🙂 I feel like making something, let’s see what I end up doing…what do you reckon? 7 hours of skyrim, eating everything in sight and doing no housework? haha – yeh maybe and it will be really awesome right until I hear the key in the lock and realize that oh shit, Im in trouble …. ;/

people say they are bad luck - I say they are too pretty to be bad luck :)

people say they are bad luck – I say they are too pretty to be bad luck 🙂