How do you turn off your inner superego-centric pessimist?

By the way, I’m actually asking the question,  not answering it.

I have a very stubborn inner pessimist. Negative thinking has taken me to very many places in my life and it’s been largely a cold and dark experience. Sometimes dark and dank are just what you need though, so what exactly am I missing out on?

I’m told by the media,  by my mother, by my therapist, by that labrador down the road that positive thinking is a good thing that you can learn, and that you don’t have to just (figuratively) shit all over everything including yourself. Though this is far more frowned upon as literal behaviour.

As it happens I am in the process of nominating someone for an award and so am having to overcome the cringe-inducing wince-fest that comes with open and borderline superfluous flattery. I recognise all these awesome qualities in people around me but I never tell them, and I’m unable to recognise them in myself. 

Fortune peeked over my shoulder and decided that my therapist should get me to focus on the good things as about myself cos I figure I’m pretty sucky in most capacities compared to everyone else. The single admirable property that I will openly admit to possessing is honesty. The rest of that box remains bare. Sorry doc that’s it, the thesaurus has been scoured and there are no more appropriate adjectives. But low and behold a far worse challenge lay ahead. Due to my utter failure to get with the positivity program, I was tasked with asking a few close people to tell me what they like about me. Apparently this is not just attention-seeking…

Have you ever asked someone what they like about you? It’s fucking weird. I mean in Britain, you don’t go gushing about why you love your friends or family, you just stick by them and they should know that if you hang around long enough then you probably like them some. It goes unsaid, like some mystery current underlying your relationships. You’re never quite sure if your pal secretly thinks you are a wanker but they bought you a pint at the weekend so you’re probably ok in their eyes. So why are we so repressed and inhibited that it feels plain creepy to go listing the things you like about someone? In theory it’s a perfectly pleasant thing to do.

 I’ve only got as far as asking two people, one of whom could only come up with one thing that they like about me and that is my nose, which makes me paranoid because I have kind of a big nose and is by far my least attractive facial feature. Sigh. I’m not going to list the things my therapist and other generous surveyee said because that would take this horrifying experiment to another level of unnecessary squirming to this most uncomfortable topic. 

I can’t quite explain the emotional reaction I have to being given compliments, it’s something deeply awkward and dismissive, because I suspect there is some species-wide delusion  psychosis or pity going on behind those positive words and I don’t want to be the one to burst the bubble. If you’ve seen the series braindead where people are being controlled by brain munching bugs? I imagine it’s something like that. On some level of course I really appreciate the comments even if I don’t believe them because it shows people care enough to try and boost my self-esteem. I assume others feel the same so I avoid dishing out compliments but maybe I’m the only weirdo who finds all this pretty nauseating because sarcasm has to be replaced with earnestness (real word) and that’s a damned big leap. I’m tempted to try reciprocity on this subject with my therapist as an experiment to see if she feels uncomfortable, partly because I want to give something back and partly to look for signs of squirming. Humans are bizarre.

I understand from old Freud’s theory that this kind of self-denial phenomena is due to a strong superego and weak ego.  Superego being the morals that parents bestow in the early years and ego being the logical decision-making mediator between your mind’s chaotic self-gratifying impulses (Id) and reality.This seems fair because a weak ego is also considered the cause of anxiety. So this deflated balloon of a personal aspect needs a bit of air, even if I think it’s just hot air!

Ironically without a highly functioning logical sector, this challenge seems utterly abstract and unattainable. Maybe I’ll start reading Jung again, he seemed to have it all sorted. 

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Trees are meant to be wise..right?

image

I drew a tree.
I’m not sure if it is finished yet or not.
This is not the most inspired or technical drawing ever, but rather the crude kernel of my intention to shed off negativity and focus on the positive for a while. An intention that the majority of my brain has yet to receive the memo on.

A lot of people focus on the negative, on the obscene, on the sad and hopeless, and that’s just great. We certainly need a fair representation by cynics and naysayers, otherwise civilization would spiral into some kind of passionless unsustainable nirvana.
(yuck)
So what if, like me, you only step outside guarded by the twin dragons of sarcasm and skepticism and are getting a bit sick of pissing on everyone’s damned happiness and walking away with a smug grin. (what a bitch, huh?). What if you are tired of your internal dialogue sapping the life and meaning from everything and turning into dust?
What if you wanted, every now and then to take trust on a walk with you, or encouragement? Your dragons would be pissed, but how would you feel?

In such days of emotional awakening as these, such questions must be faced, because if I can’t control the dragons, then they will have to be subdued with pills again. And we don’t really want that. So how do you turn your thoughts around when they are spinning into a tarantella of despair?
For now I’m going to try thinking about this (albeit somewhat poorly crafted) tree and see what happens.

Tonight I lie alone again and curse my own desires
Sentenced first to burn and then to freeze”~ carly Simon, boys in the trees

Flickers, some dreams, some abstract phrases

You know those days when you feel unshakably dead inside?
Well.
That happened.

For sometime allegedly trying not to procrastinate, im doing a lot of not getting up when the damned alarm goes.

For someone so used to hearing about precisely how they are a disappointment and failure each day I was still stung by the accusation that I am the laziest person SO has ever met.

For a lazy person I did a lot of housework today.

For a publicly visible blogger I talk one hell of a lot about yours truly.

As you can see, words are not flowing in a particularly lyrical or informative way. But if I don’t vent some simmering thoughts then I’ll only get depressed and migrainous.

I wanted to write about bike reflectors and angles of diffraction, or about my new cute fleece (meant fir horse riding), or the status of scientific publishing, or my thoughts on China meiville, or about an ancient craft project. But I don’t much feel like it today. So I’ll just write about my dreams.

I dreamt that I was single, younger, back when I lived in Suffolk, that I had been out drinking with friends but only had one alcoholic drink then switched to juice while all others continued on their tipple of choice, cos I was driving. We pootled back to my grans house for late night chatting but I started to feel very awkward and had to go sit on my own. I was pondering the chances of hooking up with one of those guys but figured I hadn’t drunk enough to have the confidence to try and approach them. Gran made some snacks for us all and encouraged me to go and socialise…but I asked her if she had any TiaMaria..I was in luck and poured myself a glass. I then went to see the others, some of whom had left, and struck a conversation up. I had a charged eye contact moment with that guy (honestly this was no-one I have ever seen or met in real life) when gran announced kicking out time, and I asked if they could all camp out in the garage? We went to the garage and I said to them to be careful of snakes. Just at that instant a snake darted for me, I tried to jump but to no avail, it bit me on the arse and to my horror, would not release it’s fangs. Don’t ask me why I was wearing a dress and no knickers…it was a dream…so, I mean, this whole situation was crippling painful and humiliating….we noticed some police officers next door and I hobbled over snake and all to ask for advice. She identified the beast and as I stood there the snake decided it was bored and dropped to the ground. I was told I probably didn’t need to go to a and e but hypochondriac as I am (a fricken weird snake bit my ass…) I realized my quandary: all my friends were over the limit and as of that TiaMaria, so probably was I..I was trying to work out what to do when someone prodded me in the other butt-cheek…except, that was real life…it was SO’s fun way of waking me up…good job he didn’t get the other side or honestly, I probably would have screamed out!

Last night’s memorable dream involved a visit to the Norfolk show…but things were weird. We looking around a few stalls then SO found a toy stall with a game where in the first level you had to feed a doll with beer and it would say rude things, the next stage was to put the dolls man-parts in ones mouth….now the sight of SO being utterly amused and the horrific possibility that someone could buy such a thing for a child by mistake was enough to make me leave the stand. I wandered the nearby places for over an hour waiting for him to emerge. When he didn’t, I went looking for him and found him passed out on the sofa of that toy place. The lady behind the counter told me he’d bought some drugs from her to try, that he’d be fine. I roused him to find someone totally and comprehensively off their face. I demanded info on what he had taken but she only had a name. I had trouble trying to get him up and walking but he was a total liability and talking absolute (although at times hilarious) nonsense. Walking to the bus I got pickpocketed but caught them…I got everything except phone and wallet back (typical) so where did I drop them? Had to return to the toy stall where it turned out an ex of SO had been asking after him and wanted to know how much money he’d spent there (yeah I’d like to know that too bitch) oblivious to all tangeable events SO failed to notice when his ex decided to attack me…I’m not quite sure how this all ended but I do know that SO was unacceptably unmanageable being so high, and I kept on thinking, oh crap…I’m gonna have to drive us home….

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Wobbles of the mental & physical variety

Things which a recovering / recovered anorexic should not have to hear from their significant other

..I only had 700 calories yesterday

..Im going to cut back on my spending, you are going to have to eat less

..your belly skin looks all weird and wrinkly, it never used to look like that…

 

today I am having a wobble of the recovery / ed variety. I all of a sudden hate my body. I hate the extra weight, I feel nauseous and I don’t want to eat (ok the nausea / lack of appetite may be due to something else, like stress from last week ) but I’m finding SO’s sudden preoccupation with calories (as he is losing weight – and needs to)quite nostalgic – seeing him all proud of himself if he has less than his goal amount, or deciding what to eat based on which has fewer cals…ARGH! Ive spent so long desperately trying NOT to think about those  things, but all of a sudden Im aware of how wobbly and untoned my body is and how all round unattractive / ugly / hideous I feel.

These days are usually very few and far between but today is hard. I have hit my highest ever weight and although I should feel good about that (only 4.5 pounds to goal) for no apparent good reason (after some weeks of reasonable body acceptance) I now genuinely think that I am gross and that no-one will ever find me attractive.

What a useless post. sorry to waste anyones time. I hope tomorrow I can read this and wonder what my psychological drama was all about….