A rare transferace of joy via these peculiar tentacles

Some rare events have occured in the last couple of days, during which, I have been reminded how incredibly magnificent and affecting Homo sapiens can be.

I’ve had some lovely and silly, breif chats in real life and virtually, and said a sad farewell to a very talented and all-round  delightful student. I didn’t even get awkward about the goodbye hug. Imagine that!

I’ve been listening to the British band Daughter and finding their music increasingly intoxicating. Imagine my delight when I discovered they will play a gig in my city in the new year. Yay!

Anyway, I received a package this morning in the post:

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Not sure if you can read that but the two handwritten notes say “ONLY GOOD VIBES X” and “ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE XXX” plus a big yellow thing with a giant smile on, all bundled up in forest green crepe paper and ribbons. You’ll be forgiven for thinking that this might be a mental salvation survival package sent by my mother, but it was actually something I ordered for myself. So cute was the encasement that I almost forgot to take out the items inside; a pair of handmade black tentacle earrings. The adorability of said earrings is immense but the sense of joy I felt was more from the effort that the artist had gone to for someone they had never met. I think I have smiled my way pretty much through an entire day, wearing clay octopus arms in my ear holes, pretending that I’m secretly part cephalopod, and generally thinking that maybe I’m not a total cretin after all for living my ever hopeful existence.

I spent a lot of time working on my latest scientific masterpiece, and I have to say that I’m pretty pleased with the way it is shaping up. My writing and ability to structure, it would seem, have matured into a form much more readily digested and assimilated (we shall see if the boss lady agrees).

We tried in earnest to acquire some jack-o-lanterns for tonight (at my insistence because a Halloween uncelebrated is a grumpfest waiting to happen) but I felt satisfied with the darling honey bear and yellow acorn squashes that a local farm shop had to offer. I presently diemboweled them and performed the necessary crude open surgery.

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Shame about the raggedy carving but it’s good enough for me. Sometimes having emotions is a great thing :).

“You could still be,
what you want to,
What you said you were,
when I met you”~Daughter, medicine

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I am what I am not

My cycling thoughts are woefully uninspiring, and actually more reminiscent.

I thought about that house, tried to identify it…then thought about roman way and those liabilities of housemates I had (well one was definately a loose Cannon) who broke the sofa and was responsible for our front door getting egged. Then I thought about that time that he accompanied me to the pub to meet some guys (housemates thought I needed a chaperone). They needn’t have worried, we ended up back at some dude’s house passing around their bong and that liability I’d brought with me decided to try smoking weed for the first time, feeling the need to show off, smoked too much, pulled a whitey and had to go and lay down in some random guys bed. By this point of course this was unbearably amusing to me. The downside was that I had to wait for him to come down a bit before I could walk HIM home. That’s what you get from a philosophy student.
Neither of those houses were the one I dream of.
I took a mental journey through the protocol I needed to demonstrate today (Yawns)
I wonder if I stop reading stupid lists of buzzfeed nonsenses and stop writing here in the morning, whether I could save more than an hour in the morning before work. Maybe I’ll try tomorrow. Yep I’ll definately do that Tomorrow And be in work by 8:30…

The return journey was in the dark
I thought about how I really aught to have charged up my front bike light as it was screaming its depleted condition at me with a red warning. I wondered why it was so difficult to remember to plug it in…when I take it off of a morning I have about a 1-2 min walk to my desk, where a charger is waiting, but  by the time I get there I’ve forgotten all about lights and chargers.
I thought about how much easier it is to see and be seen through fog if lights are charged.
I wondered why I’ve been so chirpy these last few days. I’ve been smiling and generally good humoured, relatively energetic and Um, not depressed. I can either attribute this to a batch of prozac contaminated with MDMA, or due to the vitamins I’ve been taking. I vaguely remember having this breakthrough before, I felt amazing because  I’m usually iron or b12 deficient or something…if I miss a day I’m fine but miss a week and I start to gradually weaken and get sulky, fatigued and morose.

“Before I go tell me
Were you ever who you claimed yourself to be?”

The last step of eating disorder recovery

The final step of eating disorder recovery looks a lot like many of its predecessors, only this time, it’s global.

So you are weight restored, mentally stable, and do not consider yourself to have an eating disorder any more.

And yet

And yet you still want someone checking up on you, prodding you, reminding and encouraging you if you veer outside of your healthy boundaries.

If you are still maintaining weight or eating healthily or taking your medication just to get a pat on the head and to be told you are doing well, at the age of 31, you need to think of the following:

Take responsibility for yourself. Until you are doing these things for YOURSELF rather than for other people’s sake, you will not truly be recovered.

So that’s where I stand. On the brink. The final frontier. Leaping off and knowing theres no specialized doctor ready to catch me. Im not a child any more. I have been educated and encouraged sufficiently to understand the importance and the reality of what must come to pass. It’s time to stop dumping responsibility on others. I still want someone I can say made me fat or skinny or think a certain way or whatever but at the end of the day, the only person who controls my diet, exercise and extent of preoccupation, is. Me.
It’s my fault and to my credit that my body and mind are healthier. I had help along the way but why must I keep creditting or blaming others?

It’s over, anorexia. One more weigh-in under surveillance then all the safety nets will dissolve. For the first time im kind of excited about that.

Rare moments of bliss

Dreams, love, hope, happiness. When these fleeting things pass through your life be sure to take the time to let them settle on your soul, consider their weight and consistency and the sensation of them running through your very being. Let the dreams lap like soporific waves against your bare feet, let love leave a lingering scent, like your faavourite perfume on your thoughts and memories, let hope, spill like so much flickering candlelight across the canvas of your mind, let happiness rain down, drenching you in a shower of invisible glitter.

All in all, cherish these moments because they do not last forever, and everyone needs some brightness locked up somewhere for when the darkness descends.

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Observations on emotional response

Some people are talented at making you feel loved, appreciated, special, accepted and altogether happier and calmer. When you see them you smile. They make you feel that no problem is too big for the two of you to tackle together.That’s you guys.

Some people are talented at making you feel like shit, that you are selfish, inconsiderate, unworthy, unacceptable and altogether miserable and like you want to cry. When you see them you guard your words and adopt an expressionless visage. They make you feel that you are the problem and that you are woefully inadequate at fixing yourself.

Can anyone make you feel a certain way? Noone can dictate your emotions so why the strong reactions to different people. Even the same words come out differently. I dont know.

I just wish I had more interaction with the former rather than the latter type of people.

That is all.

On why I think animals are better than humans

Disclaimer: For the purpose of this discussion, animals will be defined as non-primate mammals. I am well aware that humans are animals, but it is a bit lengthy to have to write ‘non-primate mammals’ every time, so for now, they are animals, and we are humans. ok?

Why do animals make better company than humans?

– they don’t lie

-They don’t argue about pointless things like who is doing the dishes, and only moan when you try and put them in a box not much bigger than they are (this is reasonable)

-They don’t pretend they didn’t make that gross stink and blame it on you

-They don’t blame you for things, they just accept that things happen

-You can convince yourself that they are pleased to see you because they love you, and not because they are hungry and cannot open the tins of food/ gate themselves.

-When you want alone time you can just go out, they will be happy when you return, not moody

-Animals are rarely religious, so you are spared all of that nonsense

-Animals will not steal your expensive shampoo, though they may smear it all over the bathroom if you leave it in an accessible place

-If your animals smells another animal on you they wont think you are cheating on them, they will be excited to meet this other animal

-Animals don’t care if you wear your pyjamas all day long

-Animals don’t criticize you (unless you choose to reflect your self-criticism off them)

The downsides of animal companionship – why human contact is sometimes necessary

-Animals do not make good restaurant or pub-going guests, they tend to spill things and make a mess

– Animals are not very good at paying your wages on time

– All conversations with an animal is invariably a conversation with yourself, sometimes you need another opinion when sparky keeps agreeing with your thoughts

-Animals do not make very good doctors – sadly ‘ roll in the mud’ doesn’t cure all human ills.

In conclusion, Humans are necessary for health and wealth, but animals are better for happiness. Fin.

Ah. One more thing. This does not mean that when we are next scheduled to meet that it is acceptable to send a gerbil in your stead.