Learning to cope.((I don’t have the drugs to sort it out)). 

For the whole of my adult life my mood has been controlled by psychiatric drugs. Since puberty emotions became something intolerably intense for me that needed to be dampened because I felt I wasn’t strong or capable enough to deal with them. 

Any mood swings or problems were considered pharmaceutical in nature; an issue with my medication or dosages, and not just normal human fluctuations.

For over 17 years feelings have been tempered, flattened, smoothed over by daily waves of serotonin with a pinch of norepinephrine and dopamine and one bland day I’d just had enough.

It has taken me two years to complete my borderline homeopathic taper off prozac but as of a couple of months ago I have been drug free. It will be undetectable in my blood soon if not already.

The world has changed. Everything is more vivid and vital, sharper, urgently demanding my attention. Things are loud and overwhelmingly contradictory, and tears flow freely for the sake of a broken pen, or missing words. 

I would like to clarify that although I have never learnt to cope with strong emotions, that does not mean that I am weak or incapable. I need to remind myself this on a daily basis.

And so I wade through the great spectacular symphony that describes the breadth and depth of human emotional capacity. I never realised that the orchestra was so big, that there were so many different instruments that all used to feel just like a blanket of disappointment or anger but now have individual notes of their own.

I don’t know how to deal with the stitching on a favourite dress coming undone, or how to stop myself from shaking while I’m telling you my point of view, but I know this is where I am now meant to be amomg tears, smiles and torn up letters.

Trees are meant to be wise..right?

image

I drew a tree.
I’m not sure if it is finished yet or not.
This is not the most inspired or technical drawing ever, but rather the crude kernel of my intention to shed off negativity and focus on the positive for a while. An intention that the majority of my brain has yet to receive the memo on.

A lot of people focus on the negative, on the obscene, on the sad and hopeless, and that’s just great. We certainly need a fair representation by cynics and naysayers, otherwise civilization would spiral into some kind of passionless unsustainable nirvana.
(yuck)
So what if, like me, you only step outside guarded by the twin dragons of sarcasm and skepticism and are getting a bit sick of pissing on everyone’s damned happiness and walking away with a smug grin. (what a bitch, huh?). What if you are tired of your internal dialogue sapping the life and meaning from everything and turning into dust?
What if you wanted, every now and then to take trust on a walk with you, or encouragement? Your dragons would be pissed, but how would you feel?

In such days of emotional awakening as these, such questions must be faced, because if I can’t control the dragons, then they will have to be subdued with pills again. And we don’t really want that. So how do you turn your thoughts around when they are spinning into a tarantella of despair?
For now I’m going to try thinking about this (albeit somewhat poorly crafted) tree and see what happens.

Tonight I lie alone again and curse my own desires
Sentenced first to burn and then to freeze”~ carly Simon, boys in the trees

I need a stranger to tell me I’m beautiful

I have dreams about rapture, waking and sleeping, day and night. Do you dream about passion? Those tormenting visions of overwhelming emotions and desire teetering on the edge of monomania, too headstrong and organic for logic or guilt to sink their teeth into. Does the past get swept into fictional scenes of unbridled expression and limitless freedom? Do you long for the hurricane embrace of life and love? I’m talking about losing yourself into something or someone so fully that “self” becomes nothing but an abstract term you once read about. Are you waiting for a stranger to tell you how beautiful you are? Or for fervor to fuel you into staying up all night painting your soul? Do you seek to adore with as much passion as you crave in return?And then, when you can’t find such fervor in your existence, do you doubt yourself? Do you doubt that such visions can come true?

“I wanna hold onto nothing and ride
Like the cinnamon girl
Like a butterfly
Just hold onto nothing
And ride” ~heather nova, ride.