If there was a better way to go it would find me

When visiting my mother I found this:


This laminated bad boy was my ticket to high school freedom. Whensoever the fancy took me to maybe not attend a class, I always had an ironclad yellow alibi. I got pretty good use out of this flexible friend when it came to physical education. It really was amazing how all my musical instrument lessons coincided every week! Weird huh!

I also found some old drawings I did. Now although I am using Accidental Tentacles for my arty stuffs these days, I have vowed to only post new work, no old has-beens for that shiny new site (except the header dragon, and he will go as soon as I make a suitable replacement).


Here is an example. A hint of tortured mask wearing vampire.
I was really flattered to be referred to as an artist recently by a talented writer known as Gordon Flanders, instead of just a weirdo, or a nerd 🙂 it pretty much made my week. Though based on the above picture he may retract that descriptor! Now that I’m talking about Gordon, I’d like to mention that without his feedback when I started this blog years ago, I probably wouldn’t have had much confidence to continue, so I am ever grateful that he stumbled here, so go read his blog if you don’t already, you won’t be disappointed! While I’m on a train of praise and thanks I’d also like to thank the babe and Tony Single for their continued inputs, you guys are so amazing and it’s really just incredible to have you come and read my inane jabbering 🙂 I feel very lucky to have caught your attention. Go read their blogs too, ok?

Now for something possibly even more awesome, a picture of my childhood dog Abbie:


Now, I’m sure you are thinking that your dog is probably way better than this one, but I regret to inform that you are wrong. This beastie was the pinnacle of all dog, or for that matter mammalian evolution and her like will never be seen again. Certainly not to be confused with this monster:


Who incidentally, I taught to play fetch during my visit. She’s an eight year old nervous nutcase and normally just wants to go for your ankles but this visit she wanted to be my buddy, so I guess my dog whispering is on point. I’m still watching you Tiggy, I know how your brain just pivots in weird ways sometimes.

I’ve written two posts recently that are sat in my drafts because I have finally developed the maturity to realise that sometimes you don’t need to impulsively let off every thought that you have to run rampant in the world wide Web. Sometimes prudence is your friend, and pissing people off just isn’t always worth it. They are safely out of my head and in my drafts and I think it would be best all round if they stay there.

The title of this post is, of course, from Fiona Apple’s song “extraordinary machine”.

Also sorry if you saw this on my other site for a flash. It’s my first slip-up since blog bifurcation!

Trees are meant to be wise..right?


I drew a tree.
I’m not sure if it is finished yet or not.
This is not the most inspired or technical drawing ever, but rather the crude kernel of my intention to shed off negativity and focus on the positive for a while. An intention that the majority of my brain has yet to receive the memo on.

A lot of people focus on the negative, on the obscene, on the sad and hopeless, and that’s just great. We certainly need a fair representation by cynics and naysayers, otherwise civilization would spiral into some kind of passionless unsustainable nirvana.
So what if, like me, you only step outside guarded by the twin dragons of sarcasm and skepticism and are getting a bit sick of pissing on everyone’s damned happiness and walking away with a smug grin. (what a bitch, huh?). What if you are tired of your internal dialogue sapping the life and meaning from everything and turning into dust?
What if you wanted, every now and then to take trust on a walk with you, or encouragement? Your dragons would be pissed, but how would you feel?

In such days of emotional awakening as these, such questions must be faced, because if I can’t control the dragons, then they will have to be subdued with pills again. And we don’t really want that. So how do you turn your thoughts around when they are spinning into a tarantella of despair?
For now I’m going to try thinking about this (albeit somewhat poorly crafted) tree and see what happens.

Tonight I lie alone again and curse my own desires
Sentenced first to burn and then to freeze”~ carly Simon, boys in the trees

I think this painting is finished!


I’ll add it to my watercoloured nature gallery too. I’m relatively satisfied with the outcome. I’ll show you the photo I worked from so you can see that it’s not perfect! But he really does have one blue and one brown eye.


You can see how the painting developed here and here. Looking back I wanted his eyes to be Really big at the beginning!!

“one more look from her eyes
one more look can you paint her back to life”~tori amos, weatherman

I need a stranger to tell me I’m beautiful

I have dreams about rapture, waking and sleeping, day and night. Do you dream about passion? Those tormenting visions of overwhelming emotions and desire teetering on the edge of monomania, too headstrong and organic for logic or guilt to sink their teeth into. Does the past get swept into fictional scenes of unbridled expression and limitless freedom? Do you long for the hurricane embrace of life and love? I’m talking about losing yourself into something or someone so fully that “self” becomes nothing but an abstract term you once read about. Are you waiting for a stranger to tell you how beautiful you are? Or for fervor to fuel you into staying up all night painting your soul? Do you seek to adore with as much passion as you crave in return?And then, when you can’t find such fervor in your existence, do you doubt yourself? Do you doubt that such visions can come true?

“I wanna hold onto nothing and ride
Like the cinnamon girl
Like a butterfly
Just hold onto nothing
And ride” ~heather nova, ride.

Springlike marchtime inspiration

Today SO has a friend visiting ( I think he’s visiting to ask SO to be his best man (and so does SOs ma) but anyway, this has meant that I’ve had some precious home alone time :D. I decided to return to that painting of buster and I put in a couple of hours of what felt like quite drastic work. If you remember, I left the painting looking like this (a bit wonky and jaundiced) back in November:


Now it looks like this:


I dealt with the excessive yellow tonality by mixing burnt sienna with blue and purple, to fix the bay colouration(noting this so I can recreate that colour at s later date!). I balanced up his eyes and nostrils a bit, gave more texture to the forelock and added some detail to the blaze. I’m still not happy or finished, but as a work in progress, it’s not disastrous. The nose end of things and facial shading need an overhaul but it’s starting to look a bit more like a horse than a my little pony :). Shame I misplaced one of my brushes…I’m working with a giant flat or a series of tiny rigger brushes! No nice blue handled tapered round size 5 staples for me (where are you my lovely?).

I can barely believe that it got to 17 degrees today. Not only that but I didn’t put a coat on all day, and spent the vast majority in a vest top. It was only last week that I was wearing 5 layers to cycle in to avoid hypothermia!

I ordered myself a TOOL tshirt (can’t believe I don’t own one yet really), so obviously thar makes me happy and I skipped my prozac so everything around me is all nice and on the verge of surreality. I expect to sleep log-like and will see my muse tomorrow ( male version of muse is also muse?)

And now for a peaceful bath while the boys go to the pub!

“Girls you’ve got to know
When it’s time to turn the page”~tori amos, Northern lad

Sharing your soul and getting nothing back


Have you ever shared a secret, a painting, a poem or something equally personal with someone you trust only to receive nothing in return?
I guess all relationships have give and take but what if you end up giving more than the other person wants. Let me give you an example. It took me years to allow my significant other to read my poetry, yet when I offered some to him to read, he was largely disinterested and had no comments to make. Same with my art work. I pour hours and slithers of my very being into my non nature based art (password protected) yet even after coaxing all I get in response is something generic like ‘yeah it’s alright, can i change the channel now”
I’m not saying that he is the only example. I had this great idea for a novel and span out the introductory pages then filed it away. Having found it a few years later the pretext of the plot seems fine to me and the initial style at least acceptable, but I lack confidence and dont want to waste months of my life completing said novel if it’s just pants, so I tentatively emailed it to a friend.
Now I know shes been through a lot and it probably wasn’t high on the priority list at all so some weeks later I asked if shed read it but no mention was ever made. That was over a year ago I think and I’m still a bit raw from that. Call me selfish, but I kind of would have liked some feedback, also on the line drawing I sent. How much time does it take to open an attachment and ponder a few moments? So my confidence was somewhat knocked by this. I accept that friends may not want to read all this shite I blog but this isn’t something I have exactly crafted yet I offer them the link still, they take one glimpse and never speak of it again. I have been doing this for years, oversharing my creations in the hope of recognition, of striking someone’s emotional reSponse, of acceptance. I’m not after praise just consideration. I took the time to make this and took the courage to share it but you cant take the time to bother contemplating it? I don’t know. I wonder if it’s any worse than being played a cd of some band and not bothering to give a real opinion but saying ‘yes very nice dear’. But it’s several CDs every day of someone else’s work and it gets tedious. I’m talking a poem or sketch or painting every few months.
I clearly overshare and expect too much in return. I guess sone times you have to accept that just because you think you have a connection with someone doesn’t mean you do. And just because you enjoy something and aspire to so.e achievement, doesn’t mean anyone will ever like it.