It seems to me like I’ve landed in a competitive ocean and I’m not too strong a swimmer. I’m being tugged by familiar currents into a state of swirling incoherence. Things I had thought unshakeably solid, just melting and crumbling into the sea. Within that ocean the haunting question bubbles to the surface, over and over.
“Am I good enough?”
This inquisitive wordfish swims it’s way in great silvery shoals, circling me in search of the answer, but never satisfied, because only the affirmative shark can chase them away. All I can see are negative waves and ambiguous reefs, getting dizzy with the circular motions of these tides.
Metaphors seem only to ever pour out of me with reference to water, and I presume I am expressing a molten paraphrasis of writers much greater and more fluid than I.
Good enough for what?
It doesn’t matter what this specific occasion sparked the tsunami, it all boils down to one thing at the end of the day.
And that is love.
Am i good enough to be loved?
But, see that’s not quite the whole deal is it? It’s not just love, it’s unconditional love.
So religious guys who mostly stick to the rules get this from their God(s), but those pesky agnostics and atheists, see, they just keep on looking for it right here on planet earth, and from other people too! What a crazy bunch right? Yeah well don’t laugh too hard because when the time is up you might find out your God is a total A-hole, and you could have had major fun writing a blog about thinking for yourself and carving your own unique but fault-ridden way through life.
My therapist used to say that I was constantly striving for approval. Craving this unconditional love, but what I needed to learn was to give this to myself and not rely on others, who, being human, are intrinsically flawed and likely to let one down.
I’m trying, but some days I’m such an incorrigible dumbass that I’m really quite hard to love!
“oh now feel it comin’ back again
like a rollin’ thunder chasing the wind
forces pullin’ from the center of the earth again
I can feel it.”