Flickers, some dreams, some abstract phrases

You know those days when you feel unshakably dead inside?
Well.
That happened.

For sometime allegedly trying not to procrastinate, im doing a lot of not getting up when the damned alarm goes.

For someone so used to hearing about precisely how they are a disappointment and failure each day I was still stung by the accusation that I am the laziest person SO has ever met.

For a lazy person I did a lot of housework today.

For a publicly visible blogger I talk one hell of a lot about yours truly.

As you can see, words are not flowing in a particularly lyrical or informative way. But if I don’t vent some simmering thoughts then I’ll only get depressed and migrainous.

I wanted to write about bike reflectors and angles of diffraction, or about my new cute fleece (meant fir horse riding), or the status of scientific publishing, or my thoughts on China meiville, or about an ancient craft project. But I don’t much feel like it today. So I’ll just write about my dreams.

I dreamt that I was single, younger, back when I lived in Suffolk, that I had been out drinking with friends but only had one alcoholic drink then switched to juice while all others continued on their tipple of choice, cos I was driving. We pootled back to my grans house for late night chatting but I started to feel very awkward and had to go sit on my own. I was pondering the chances of hooking up with one of those guys but figured I hadn’t drunk enough to have the confidence to try and approach them. Gran made some snacks for us all and encouraged me to go and socialise…but I asked her if she had any TiaMaria..I was in luck and poured myself a glass. I then went to see the others, some of whom had left, and struck a conversation up. I had a charged eye contact moment with that guy (honestly this was no-one I have ever seen or met in real life) when gran announced kicking out time, and I asked if they could all camp out in the garage? We went to the garage and I said to them to be careful of snakes. Just at that instant a snake darted for me, I tried to jump but to no avail, it bit me on the arse and to my horror, would not release it’s fangs. Don’t ask me why I was wearing a dress and no knickers…it was a dream…so, I mean, this whole situation was crippling painful and humiliating….we noticed some police officers next door and I hobbled over snake and all to ask for advice. She identified the beast and as I stood there the snake decided it was bored and dropped to the ground. I was told I probably didn’t need to go to a and e but hypochondriac as I am (a fricken weird snake bit my ass…) I realized my quandary: all my friends were over the limit and as of that TiaMaria, so probably was I..I was trying to work out what to do when someone prodded me in the other butt-cheek…except, that was real life…it was SO’s fun way of waking me up…good job he didn’t get the other side or honestly, I probably would have screamed out!

Last night’s memorable dream involved a visit to the Norfolk show…but things were weird. We looking around a few stalls then SO found a toy stall with a game where in the first level you had to feed a doll with beer and it would say rude things, the next stage was to put the dolls man-parts in ones mouth….now the sight of SO being utterly amused and the horrific possibility that someone could buy such a thing for a child by mistake was enough to make me leave the stand. I wandered the nearby places for over an hour waiting for him to emerge. When he didn’t, I went looking for him and found him passed out on the sofa of that toy place. The lady behind the counter told me he’d bought some drugs from her to try, that he’d be fine. I roused him to find someone totally and comprehensively off their face. I demanded info on what he had taken but she only had a name. I had trouble trying to get him up and walking but he was a total liability and talking absolute (although at times hilarious) nonsense. Walking to the bus I got pickpocketed but caught them…I got everything except phone and wallet back (typical) so where did I drop them? Had to return to the toy stall where it turned out an ex of SO had been asking after him and wanted to know how much money he’d spent there (yeah I’d like to know that too bitch) oblivious to all tangeable events SO failed to notice when his ex decided to attack me…I’m not quite sure how this all ended but I do know that SO was unacceptably unmanageable being so high, and I kept on thinking, oh crap…I’m gonna have to drive us home….

Day 9. I am able to forgive people

Day 10. My face is very expressive

Day 11. I am honest

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