Long title for a long day. Today I made a fresh start. I actually got up when my alarm went off, I showered through the pre 7:30am nausea and made it to work before boss (no prizes for guessing who got told on Friday that they really aught not to oversleep by 2 hours on a regular basis…:/)
Anyway…I agreed to help out visiting artist / photographer who is interested in my science. Thinking it would be maybe 30mins chatting. Unfortunately it was 2.5 hours where I basically had to try and convey the biochemistry bsc syllabus to a nonscientist and then explain what I was doing( largely trying to ignore the voice in my head telling me to just walk out and never look back). The truth is that this lady is very nice, and genuinely wants to understand things which take years of education, via my unique style of dumbing down. I simply dont have the heart to say, im sorry I dont really have time for this because no matter how difficult it is to explain complicated research to nonscientists, it is becoming increasingly important and I am glad to have the opportunity to build that skill….it’s my public engagement quota that I have thus far in my career, failed to engage in.
Somewhere sometime there will be an exhibition. Photos of myself and aspects of my scientific research will feature. I expressly asked not to be in any of the photos but it seems that she just couldn’t help herself…
There we have it. Science in action. Hunchbacked and determined. Hehe. Thankfully I was caught on a good skin day though im sure that hairband was Photoshopped…do I even own a baby blue hairband?
So even though I originally asked not to be recognisible in photos…I kinda agreed a couple because this paranoia / self-esteem nonsense is getting ridiculous. I am lucky in that I have a few most amazing friends who have learned the trick of having confidence and looking amazing and also, being happy. It was one of those who I went to, to ask how they do it and how can I stop myself from becoming a social recluse? The reply was so heartwarming and proactive that I actually felt better about myself just reading it and knowing they had taken the time and care to answer so expressively. I know I have work to do on accepting and loving myself. Even the gross wobbly bits or the mossy memories or fears under stones, or the quirks on my daily routine. Today I feel loved. Maybe not by me but give me time….I’ve had a long time hating everything I am, and that, like so many unhelpful or destructive behaviours I made companions with, needs to be left behind.