Panicking, ranting fishing for calories with an imaginary net

Trying to gain a bit of weight without counting calories feels somewhat like walking away from the sea but expecting a fish to jump in your pocket. I’m not saying it’s impossible just counter- intuitive….but maybe some fish pride themselves on their distance jumping and accuracy at pocket-landing. Who knows. Fish can be funny folk, and so can calories!

Gremlins have stolen not only my functioning nail clippers, but my not insubstantial collection of tweezers. One by one, secretly sequestered away with all the biros and ‘other’ socks I’ll bet!
If I’d had the time or energy I’d be freaking out about the state of my damned eyebrows, or how many nails will break off painfully rather than being neatly curtailed as is my usual want.

Yesterday I kind of thought I might be having some kind of psychosis when I started seeing red flashing lights in the corner of my eye – until I realised that it was the laser from the speaker bouncing off the walls…what a releif!

Maybe I should start at the beginning? maybe I shouldn’t even type, but while my fingers keep moving, the words keep glugging out. Here goes:
So I *may* have been a bit late for the work retreat yesterday and it actually wasn’t my fault (for once!) and while I was sh*tting myself that my boss was gonna have my guts if I was late I got a call from a colleague – My boss actually made her phone me, not to give me a bollocking, but rather to check that I hadn’t had a bad reaction to out manuscript rejection and wasn’t in a giant heap of anxiety / panic-ridden gibbering mess incapable of going out in public. Now, im not too ashamed to admit that I have those days, and also that I took the rejection much worse that I expected (stupid hope…) so it was genuinely heartening to know that even if I was getting limited support at home, my boss cared for my psychiatric health!l

The fun didn’t end there though…oh no…though I was determined not to let depressive thoughts rule the day and was gradually relieving the pressure from all that pent up pain I was ignoring over the weekend, a tremendous panic of hummingbird-chested, hand and ear numbing intensity (yeah thats normal for me…thats the point I realise im having panic and not actual death…numb earlobes…) overtook my whole body yet I had to stay seated in an enclosed space for a further 2 hours. By the end, as you can imagine I was exhausted, quite literally of adrenalin. My only hope of saviour was meditating or reading a book but. Well. I read a bit in the bath, then at 9:30pm started playing leela (Xbox game for relaxation / meditation) only to be interrupted 15 mins later (cos it was ‘late’ ) Bye bye calm…that’s ok i’ll just read some if it’s too late to be on the Xbox. what’s that? It’s too late to read? But it’s only 10:00pm!? Oh I know…why doesn’t someone have a lengthy go at me about how selfish my working hours are….surely that’s a decent substitution for escaping into a magical land where people talk about things other than how retarded or selfish everyone is, or about faeces, farting or gay sex. End rant.

If only I worked hard enough in other people’s eyes to deserve to be tired, to have earned the right to be stressed and anxious, but as it stands I guess I apparently just can’t cope with anything. If only some kind of sympathy, empathy, consolidation, comfort, SOMETHING was waiting for me at the end of the rainbow but y’know, it’s not.

A word of advice if I may? Don’t bottle up your feelings. No matter how smart you think you are being…they’ll come out eventually and in the meantime will make your skull feel like it’s about to explode glass-strewn tar everywhere. Or is that just me with the almighty headaches of doom?

Good grief! It’s raining cows and camels by the sound of it…sadly that does not mean I can get away with not washing my hair.


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