Overwhelming waves of anxiety swallowed me whole and shat me out into this ocean of mesmerizing depression. Sleepy strokes of half finished thoughts and the craving to just escape into the unconscious zone where nothing can hurt me. Dead to emotions other than ennui. Barely breathing. Large-scale shutdown after too much feeling and thought. Just numb, just floating, just waiting until I can next asleep.
What happened? Where did it go so wrong? Well lets start with my paper being rejected (again) and go on to consider that I do not deserve to discuss my feelings or thoughts on this topic and that I dont deserve support because I get up so late in the morning for work. At the point of being screamed at yet again, I flicked the switch and shut off my emotions. You could call it a skill, you could call it failure to cope but I call it surviving what I cannot tolerate any more.
The sun is shining but I see no beauty. The air is static and my ears buzz.