Something horrible has happened…friday night I slept really well..but since then my body and brain only want a time out during the afternoon. How frustrating! Im fully expecting to fall asleep on the next train…as long as there aren’t travellers chit chatting about mother in laws, dogs muddying sofas etc. I’ll just sip my mint green iced tea and wait for the end of the line to appear before me!
Ugh. An hour and a half wait because noone bothered to announce a change of platform…and I spent this time feeling weird. Weird because I have found out that an ex is about to become a father….it’s the same brand of weird I felt when he told me he got married. So why the wierdness? I had no desire to marry or procreate with this guy, im happy for him but right now I feel sad. Im sad because I know my lack of enthusiasm for marriage and kids makes me somehow an undesirable partner, and that other people can feel in love and happy enough that they really WANT to be wed publicly…because I’ve never felt that. Have I missed something? Conceptually marriage seems largely pointless unless you are living a romantic dream, or want an excuse for making a big celebration…but then by that logic, holidays, birthdays whatever, they are just nothing special….so that’s no fun. Dont get me wrong…I enjoy other people’s weddings! An excuse to dress up and appreciate the planning and aesthetics ( and happiness of bride and groom) but I guess in some tiny way I’m jealous…of the big fuss and celebration n all but sadly the big party comes with the necessary marriage stuffs which I don’t think is for me – and is this having children thing related or separate? Cos I definitely dont want to contract that idea! I cant begin to describe how a dog and a horse is more than enough responsibility mapped out for my future…and I know I’m far too selfish to bring up a child (aside from the total lack of desire for this). Im not going to justify my decision because I don’t have to. It is what it is and you cannot make me change my mind.
I guess I wish there was sometimes a little magic, a little romance, a little fire outside of books and movies. What do you do when noone wants to share your fantasy world of utopian views with you?