Wobbles of the mental & physical variety

Things which a recovering / recovered anorexic should not have to hear from their significant other

..I only had 700 calories yesterday

..Im going to cut back on my spending, you are going to have to eat less

..your belly skin looks all weird and wrinkly, it never used to look like that…

 

today I am having a wobble of the recovery / ed variety. I all of a sudden hate my body. I hate the extra weight, I feel nauseous and I don’t want to eat (ok the nausea / lack of appetite may be due to something else, like stress from last week ) but I’m finding SO’s sudden preoccupation with calories (as he is losing weight – and needs to)quite nostalgic – seeing him all proud of himself if he has less than his goal amount, or deciding what to eat based on which has fewer cals…ARGH! Ive spent so long desperately trying NOT to think about those  things, but all of a sudden Im aware of how wobbly and untoned my body is and how all round unattractive / ugly / hideous I feel.

These days are usually very few and far between but today is hard. I have hit my highest ever weight and although I should feel good about that (only 4.5 pounds to goal) for no apparent good reason (after some weeks of reasonable body acceptance) I now genuinely think that I am gross and that no-one will ever find me attractive.

What a useless post. sorry to waste anyones time. I hope tomorrow I can read this and wonder what my psychological drama was all about….

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s