failure to understand my pain

DSCF2231“I guess I can only fail to understand your pain” ~ Earthquake, Leona Naess

It’s my responsibility – to mend the rift, to take the steps, to see the good. It’s my duty to forgive and forget, to see that the problems are all inside me.

Isn’t taking responsibility for things which I had no control over, and seeing myself as the source of all problems what started my descent into all manner of psychological messes and illnesses? Isn’t always having to be the one to make the effort and be the ‘good girl’ who sees the good in everyone what got me walked over by so may people, isn’t all of that why I was so vulnerable?

Tell me why I would put myself in that situation again. I can be told from multiple angles that everything is my fault, I can even start to believe it again, but I’m afraid of going backwards, and letting unhealthy influencdes back in, before I am strong enough to fend them off.

I guess you could call that selfishness. Self-preservation.  You could say I am alienating someone, or – you could look at the history, the pain, the sickness, the wasted years, the lessons have been learnt, I know not to get too close, I think the madness may be contagious, I think I’ve had to shelter myself at the cost of shutting someone out because of what they did, who they are, what they stand for, and if that’s the only way I can stay sane then who are you to tell me I’m wrong?

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