As the title says. It’s nice to get some practice getting teary eyed before you go to a funeral, right?
I guess things have calmed down now, but why choose that morning to get stressed and lay into me about my insufficiencies etc…I really wish I’d gone alone.
I’d better change the topic, I dont want to wind myself up again.
I’m So so fricken tired. This stupid cast means I seem to wake up every 30 mins or so….somehow I made it to rem sleep because I’m pretty sure my conscious brain wouldn’t concoct a story involving me desperately trying to seduce someone from my past….at least, not that person, yet there was a trip on a boat which transformed into a car, and a hippie apaRtment with a broken toilet. None of it made sense. Except that I recently had email contact from said person and some inexplicably tiny part of me wonders what if….so it snowballs until I know full well that reality falls pretty darned far from what has evolved in my head. Did that ever happens to you?
The funeral went ok. I mean, I had this weird realisation midway through the service that peters dead and presumably partially decomposed body was in the casket…I guess id rather not think about it. I sung the hymns even though I cant control the volume of my high notes and I declined all forms of prayer / blessing. I guess it is comforting for people to beleive that Jesus welcomes you into death and leads you to god, but I don’t buy it. What I suspect is that in the final moments of life something in the brain jars and there is this moment that feels like eternity where whatever you believe will happen to you appears to happen, but the moment has to eventually and then you are gone save for the marks you left with the living.
So if you want to believe Christ is going to save you, then when the time comes,I hope it feels like he does. That is all.
I am going to miss him. Peter, not Jesus. I have met unicorns and dragons, and faeries but never a messiah…I prefer the unicorns. I am concerned about this alleged indelible mark I had put on me as a child….I never asked for that..I dont want the blanket Christian pre-death vision just because I got baptised, that’s not fair.