What I talk about when I talk about cycling


The title of this post shows a more than passing resemblence to that of a book title by one Mr Mirukami. I cycle for about an hour every working day and there are several things which come to my mind on may days which I never bother to write down. So I will. Here.

I have noted several styles of bodily posture among the cyclists of Cambridge.

The knee splayer

-usually adopted by men riding moutain bikes which are too small for them, the knees are splayed out as wide as physically possible in a display of self-perceived manliness. You are fooling no-one, the distance between your knees is not considered by anyone else to be a measure of the size of your cock.

The knee crasher

– usually adopted by women of slight frames, peddling is restricted by the need to have the knees as close as physically possible, to maintain a self-perceived air of dignity. You are not fooling anyone – if you are wearing jeans why do you think you need to appear ladylike? the damage is already done.

The buttock clencher

-This seems to be on the rise – so far only seen in men riding mountain bikes, this perculiar style sees the cyclist make short burst of frenzied cycling (while out of the saddle) followed by bending one knee over the frame and keeping the other straight and freewheeling for a bit. The bike is also skewed during the freewheeling stage and the only plausible reasons why anyone would adopt such a posture are that a) they have shat themselves or b) are imminently about to do so and fear the consequences of sitting down on the saddle and relaxing their muscles for a moment.

Heel cycling

There are two forms of heel cycling, neither of which make much sense to me. 1. cycling using your heels to push the peddles. 2. cycling IN heels. Using your heels to push your peddles is an altogether bad idea, you are asking for some pulled muscles right there, what’s wrong with the balls of your feet? they are the perfect lever for your momentum. Cycling in heels is dangerous, inevitable your foot slides forward and you end up with the heel jammed against the back of the peddle causing muscle strain and difficulty when you stop at traffic lights.

Ninja cyclists

Those mysterious guys who wear all black and have no reflectives or lights yet think it is YOUR fault when you nearly crash into them. Grrrr.

What about me? how do I cycle? I cycle in trainers with my knees square, peddling with the balls of my feet, and i use bike lights – y’know, like a normal person does.


One thought on “What I talk about when I talk about cycling

  1. “the only plausible reasons why anyone would adopt such a posture are that a) they have shat themselves”


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