This line isn’t going anywhere

I spent Sunday morning with two horses a dog and two cats, all of which were keen for cuddles. I was then so relaxed I nearly fell asleep in the car on the way home. Animals are awesome. They provide a much better course for dealing with stress and anxiety than medication. The only issue is that I kind of slept funny on my hand but went riding anyway…and it wasn’t a problem until I dismounted but now it’s kind of sore.
Something I have had for years, as I fall asleep my whole body jerks me back awake. I assumed I had sleep apnea or something but apparently it has a proper name. Hypnic jerk. Common during stress / anxiety.well I never!
Incidentally I slept the last two nights okish ( thankfully) prob due to exhaustion. Dont care, sleep is sleep.
I had a conversation on facebook with an Israeli friend if mine about the repression of falun gong in China and about punishment etc. I touted my utipian view that noone  should have to compromise their beliefs just because a communist totalitarian regime disagreed..then when asked how I would expect it to be solved, I basically said I expected unicorns and faeries to come along and break down the regime. At this point my partner came into the room and I swift closed the tab. I knew he’d disapprove of me talking about such things and take the piss from my shallowness of knowledge. The fact is, I have never been in such a situation where I was banned from doing something integral to my life, nor do I have experience of conflict or corruption. All I have is my little view on how everyone deserves freedom, and people should not be forced to give up things they love. (the obvious criminal offenses aside)
Now although I choose not to follow a faith and I find it difficult to identify with those who do, there is no denying that the freedom to believe whatsoever you desire is a basic human right. I find spiritual oppression offensive despite my lack of religious faith, does that make me weird? probably. I beleive that bananas are evil – ther are fruit of the devil, no-one can force me to believe otherwise. The fact that this belief is allegedly irrational doesn’t matter – my believing this does not cause harm to anyone therefore why prise me apart from this against my will – now if by some freak chance someone is able to convince me I am wrong and prove to me that banannas are in fact NOT the enemy, then thats a different story, thats changin my own mind. see the difference? yeah crystal clear.

action plan from doc: increase prozac dose, take diazapam or zopiclone if necessary to sleep, come back in two weeks and see if mood has stabilised.What a fortnight. Reading back on my posts I’ve been through some crazy mood swings and personality shifts and its been exhausting! Happy, depressed, anxious, angry, dejected, resolute, positive, negative, black, white, good, bad. Jumping the grey chasm of fabled things which are just ok or neutral, neatly skipping over them as I sway from extreme to extreme. Too many fragments of personality fighting to have their say – it’s just exhausting.

Anyway those work stresses – tried experiment again and – it – worked. hooozah! thank F*ck for that, otherwise I was in some pretty bad sh*t as the manuscript relies on that experiment! so thats a releif. Also that thing I forgot to do for the student, well the machine broke during the night anyway so me flicking the switch or not would not have helped anyway.I’ev been coffee-free since thursday – I just had my first black tea an hour ago and wondering if that was a bad idea, fingers moving too fast – brain racing. At least partner will be away while I up my dose and try to stay asleep, I dont have to be embarassed infront of him for being pathetic, I can do it in the privacy of my own flat, unobserved. Not only this but I can get up whatever time I so desire and come home when I want, not when I *should*. (well half an hour after I *should* normally)

Unfortunately the stress doesnt end there though, im really worried about my gran and her partner, there is nothing I can do from here :S I’ve been so good for nearly two years at compartmentalizing anxiety-causing thoughts and not considering htem once they are beyond my control but now they are forcing their way forward into my consciousness. The sad thing is – on a higher prozac dose my writing is likely to get all bland and boring. More so than already. Sometimes Life hurts too much and you just need to step back. Im stepping back before it gets too painful to bear, I can see the signs and I dont want to go there.

This post isn’t gong anywhere. I want to buy a kntting pattern to make this:

deer with little antlers hat KNITTING PATTERN

cos its the cutest thing ever. but what if i make it wrong? what if it costs a fortune in wool and looks stupid on me. do i care? probably not. so why have i been lusting after the pattern for months and not buying it? cos i cant remember how to knit? possibly. cos I don’t deserve it….ahhh THAT old chestnut. F*ck it. I am going to buy the pattern and order the wool and get some new needles.  (she says defiantly then thinks she will do it when she gets home, or maybe tomorrow, or wednesday when partner isnt there)

cutest knitting things in the history of human kind :

that’ll do.

Except went to cycle home and no bike front light…went back into lab to swear my head off about some bastard stealing my light.
I remembered something.
Rummaged in my bag. One light .That bloody thieving red haired bastard! Self you’ve got some explaining to do!!


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